Ok so, I just got off the phone with Daniel. He's such a wonderful guy. My only wish is that I never hurt him as much as I tend to hurt to people. Sometimes I think that the only talent I have is that of causing pain to those I care for. I hope all those I have caused pain can forgive me. Causing the pain was never an intent of mine.
Why the glum post? Hmm... I guess it's because I've spent all day trapped in my house with my family. I'm dealing with so much. The start back to school. The ignorance of my step-father. The laziness that he embodies. I had lots of time to think about the last time I spent with Daniel. Though, he makes me very happy. Our last time together wasn't as splendiferous as I would have liked but that's for me to get over and I will, in time. I just hold grudges and I hold them for a long time.
Also, while sitting here at home today I've come the decision that I'm moving out of my families home. I need out. It's just getting to be too much. My original intent was to be here to help out. To be here for my mother and my sibs but things are getting out of control. They are my family but not the family that I should have the responsibility of financially taking care of. Helping out is one thing but actually being the provider is another and I feel that it's heading in that direction. I feel that they are relying to heavily on me. My mother has decided to stay with the dick, she dug this grave for herself and I will not lay in it and rot with her.
I'm feeling distant from everything and everyone that matters to me. This includes my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if nothing between us has ever changed but then I snap out of my daydream and realize that we've grown up and grown slightly apart. I don't like it and I know she doesn't either and we fight it but it seems as if life has something else in mind. Is it fate? If it is then why would fate bring us back together and allow us to maintain a 7-year long fantastic friendship? Why would we be allowed to become as close as two people can get without being married? Maybe it's just the time constraints. We're both college students that go to different schools. She's married and has a complete life where as I'm still struggling with trying to bring a complete life together. What ever it is we're determined to not let anything happen to what we have.
As for her having a complete life that seems to be the case with all my friends. They're all growing up. Married with kids and out on their own and here I am still living at home and struggling with pulling my life together. I'm 22 damn it! Shouldn't it already be together? I mean seriously, one of my college professors is 24. I should be there. In some ways I know why I'm not but is it fair? No of course it's not because life isn't fair but why does life always have to shit on the same people. And it's not enough that life shits on us but then we get our nose rubbed in it.
I'm so winy today. I just have a lot on my mind. I should be doing the old adage and counting my blessings. =\ I do have so much to be greatful for but at this point it's just that my despair out weighs all my happiness. Hopefully tomorrow is different.
And that's all she wrote. Today was nothing more than non-enjoyable. 0 stars
Why the glum post? Hmm... I guess it's because I've spent all day trapped in my house with my family. I'm dealing with so much. The start back to school. The ignorance of my step-father. The laziness that he embodies. I had lots of time to think about the last time I spent with Daniel. Though, he makes me very happy. Our last time together wasn't as splendiferous as I would have liked but that's for me to get over and I will, in time. I just hold grudges and I hold them for a long time.
Also, while sitting here at home today I've come the decision that I'm moving out of my families home. I need out. It's just getting to be too much. My original intent was to be here to help out. To be here for my mother and my sibs but things are getting out of control. They are my family but not the family that I should have the responsibility of financially taking care of. Helping out is one thing but actually being the provider is another and I feel that it's heading in that direction. I feel that they are relying to heavily on me. My mother has decided to stay with the dick, she dug this grave for herself and I will not lay in it and rot with her.
I'm feeling distant from everything and everyone that matters to me. This includes my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if nothing between us has ever changed but then I snap out of my daydream and realize that we've grown up and grown slightly apart. I don't like it and I know she doesn't either and we fight it but it seems as if life has something else in mind. Is it fate? If it is then why would fate bring us back together and allow us to maintain a 7-year long fantastic friendship? Why would we be allowed to become as close as two people can get without being married? Maybe it's just the time constraints. We're both college students that go to different schools. She's married and has a complete life where as I'm still struggling with trying to bring a complete life together. What ever it is we're determined to not let anything happen to what we have.
As for her having a complete life that seems to be the case with all my friends. They're all growing up. Married with kids and out on their own and here I am still living at home and struggling with pulling my life together. I'm 22 damn it! Shouldn't it already be together? I mean seriously, one of my college professors is 24. I should be there. In some ways I know why I'm not but is it fair? No of course it's not because life isn't fair but why does life always have to shit on the same people. And it's not enough that life shits on us but then we get our nose rubbed in it.
I'm so winy today. I just have a lot on my mind. I should be doing the old adage and counting my blessings. =\ I do have so much to be greatful for but at this point it's just that my despair out weighs all my happiness. Hopefully tomorrow is different.
And that's all she wrote. Today was nothing more than non-enjoyable. 0 stars
posted by Dustin | 1:35 AM
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