Realization

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it! - Mother Teresa

For the past few days I have been wondering a lot of things. I have especially been pondering my motives behind coming to Disney World in the first place. My main reason I gave to people was that it was a great opportunity that I couldn't let pass me by. I've let a lot slip by in the past and didn't think I could live with myself if I let this as well. It's a good reason and the most accurate one for my being here but I don't fully believe myself that it's the only reason. I think I was chasing something... a dream perhaps. It doesn't really matter what I was chasing the point being that I was chasing and not running. Or was I. Could I have been running from something, but from what... life maybe. Life seemed to have been creeping up on me and at a decent speed. Here I am, 22 and have accomplished very little in my life. So maybe part of me was running from getting older and trying to grasp onto the threads of a lost childhood. A childhood that was stolen from me. Turning 22 was a big deal for me (like 30 is for most people). It was the point at which I realized that I indeed had missed out on having a childhood and I am now a grown adult. It's the point I realized that I can't go back and retrieve what I lost. My life is moving forward and with each day my stolen innocence was fading further and further into the distant grey and becoming nothing more than a mere memory. But these memories aren't the kind where on looks back on and tells with pride or to get a laugh. They are memories that I try to not look back upon because the pain is sometimes still very fresh. Other times they are memories from which I draw lessons on how to live my life in the future. Why is it so hard to let go of the pain? This comes back to the chasing of a dream. I had missed out on my childhood and what better place to reclaim one than at Disney World. The dreams I'm chasing are the dreams of a child. A child who somewhere, somehow got lost and the path of life took a harsh turn which left me with nothing... not even a goal. Yet, here I am at the happiest place on earth and I'm not so happy some days. The missing of home isn't all that overwhelms me. It's also the realization that I have left something behind that is more precious to me than anything I have ever "owned" before.

I thought that my life was missing something (other than a childhood). Everyday I had the nagging feeling that I had nothing. I accomplished nothing. I'm not going anywhere. It seemed to me that if I had stayed then I would be lost again but this time it would be my fault. I had an opportunity to get out and I needed to take it. Especially at that time. I had been feeling that I was losing everything: my goals, my ambition, my spark, my friends... my life. It felt as if everything was draining from me slowly and I needed to stop it. Here I am - 1300 miles away from my problems. I did well. But somewhere in the trip I picked up different ones, yet they're the same ones. My goals are set back in order. Being around thousands of children (of all ages) daily helped to remind me why I want to work with children. My ambition to go back has to be put on hold because I'm here until January. My spark has returned but I need to keep it to a minimum as to not get myself worked up and run back home. My friends... well they too I left in the dust when I went running. Unfortunately, I may still be in the danger zone for losing them. I am hoping that the friendships I had would be strong enough to last the time and distance. My life still seems empty in many ways. There I was thinking that I had nothing when I had everything I needed. I just needed help to realize it. My entire world is wrapped up in one person. My Pookie is everything in the world to me and all I need or want at this point. But, I'm here - I'm here. So I am back to where I thought that I started... with very little.



My horoscope for the day:

Open yourself to something new. It would be presumptuous to say that the world is waiting, but you'll merge easily with whatever current is flowing past your door. Adventures are available for the asking. If that comes as a surprise, maybe it's because your recent inward focus kept you from noticing the wonders already in progress beyond your walls. Get used to the new climate. Catch up on the latest gossip. Steep yourself in recent history. Instead of kicking yourself for staying out of the loop, make up for lost time. Full membership privileges are yours.