Ugh... the illness sets in again. I hurt all over. My teeth -all of them- hurt. I've never in my life had a toothache and apparently it's decided to catch up with me. The past two nights I've took some pain killers and just passed out. It could not have come at a better time nor at a worse time. It's spring break so I'm not missing any of my classes but at the same time I'm having to cancel all plans because I don't feel like leaving my bedroom not to mention the state. I just hope that I feel better by the end of the week so I can get back to my daily life.

Shawna called me on Sunday. She read my journal and was caught up on my thoughts and my feelings. She was angered that I was sharing our problems with any random person that would find their way into my journal and called. She has a right to be upset because I did violate a form of trust that we had built for the past 7 years. I feel badly that she felt so angered and betrayed. At the same time this is my journal and it is a record of my feelings and thoughts. I've not held back on anything about/with anyone. I knew she would be upset by my posting our issues for all to read and in a few ways that's why I did it. I wanted her to read it. I wanted her to know how I felt. It was to be a slap in the face to her and to show her that she isn't doing a very good job with knowing what's going on in the life of her best friend and I was hurt by that. There were times that I really could have used her and needed her but felt that I had lost her. My defense mechanism is to cause hurt to anyone that causes hurt to me. It's not a good trait and I'm not fond of it but it's me and I must deal with it as must my family and friends. I will try to in the future keep it to a minimum and be wary of who I an hurting. I think everyone should be wary of the pain they cause people, because you never know what it could cost you. As for Shawna, I will continue to post about her BUT out of respect for her and our friendship I will keep it to a minimum and keep it censored as not to lose my best friend. I just hope that she is able to understand that this is my journal (tho it be online) and is a record of my thoughts and helps me to feel less pressure by unloading. It also allows people a deeper look into who I am for them to better understand me and at times why I do what I do.

The conclusion that I draw from what has been going on is that we as humans do indeed take so much for granted without realizing that there are no limits to the value of the "object" we are taking for granted. Friendships are one thing that people abuse most often without realizing it. Neglect of a friendship can cause serious harm to the relationship that you built with a person. Don't go a week or two and assume that you can catch up over coffee because within that week who knows what could happen. Shawna's accident could have been a lot worse than some tissue damage and a few bruises. I know this all sounds cliche but to me it's now become real. There may not always be a tomorrow. Take the time you have and call a friend up just to see how they are, you may even save their life, because you never know what is running through someone's mind. Assumptions are a dangerous thing.