At A Loss

"A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -Walter Bagehot

I'm just at a complete loss for words right now. I have so much to say yet don't know what to say or how to say it. Things just never seem to go the way that they should go and rarely go the way I'd like them go (even if it's the right way).

Why is it that when everything starts looking up and going my way that something has to go wrong? The Newton's third law (for every action there is a reaction) happens and something else goes wrong. A whole chain of events. I must have been a real bastard in my past life for karma to be kicking me so hard in this one.

How is is that people can get so angry at other's over something that truly isn't their fault? Why is it that when I try and do right, it blows up in my face and I get shit on? Why is it that I can never get recognition for the little things that I do? For the efforts that I put forth? What is it that I need to do? It appears that I've done enough.

Have you ever realized that you made the biggest mistake of your life and there is nothing you can do about it, and you feel absolutely horrible for it? Now have you ever changed your mind about it and realize that, yes it was the big mistake, but you don't feel bad about it anymore? I guess I'm reaching that point.

How does one go on after the realization that they lost the most important thing in their life? A huge part of their reason for living. The cliche answer is time. But time is not always the best answer nor is it always the right answer. Time neither heals nor fixes anything. It only buries things deep inside where they lay dormant awaiting to be rediscovered. Loss isn't something that gets easier. You just learn to deal until the next loss and then you go back to dwelling on previous losses. This isn't exclusive to loss in the form of death either.

When there's a break-up you hear people say all the time "Oh it's their loss not yours". Generally this is true, however, there are times when it's not true, just as there are times when both sides have lost something. It's in those instances that I find are the saddest cases of loss. Especially if it can be seen by either person or by both sides but pride gets in the way of reclaiming the desires of the heart.

Why is it that happiness requires sacrifice? Is that true happiness then? Because you don't have everything you want, but then not everything you want will make you happy. However isn't happiness worth fighting for? I think so. But how much can one person take? How fight is too much. I guess I now know.

Giving up has never been an option for me in anything. But as of late I've thought about it for several things. I'm truly thinking about it now.