Decisions...

"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything: "I will try" has accomplished wonders. -George P. Burnham

Yesterday I was deployed to strollers again. Strollers drives me nuts but at least the day goes by faster. When I got home yesterday I discovered that a new roommate would be moving either yesterday or today. I straightened up my room and my bathroom since he would be moving into them. Well, he never showed yesterday. I spoke with Daniel again. I needed to do some serious thinking so I had decided to stay in. After I had posted on Monday my mother gave me a call. I talked with her a bit. She has some concerns about my staying here as well and she voiced them.

This morning I woke feeling anew and fresh. I get into work and was deployed to strollers, again. That's the fourth day in a row. I'm kind of annoyed. Not much of a Ranger, anymore. They always seem to get in a rut with me. Once I get sent somewhere then it becomes an extended period of time. It just adds to the many things on my mind. The day went by as it usually does there - quick at first then slower towards the end of the shift. On my way home I ran into a few people and told them of my thoughts on going home. I then came home to discover the new roommate had moved in. Well he was moved back within the hour. On top of everything else and having to live with one stupid roomie I will not put up with living with a homophobic, prejudiced, people hating dumbass. I don't need that kind of stress or anguish. After a lot of snide comments made by him I had decided "not going to happen" and made the call. So it's back to my self in my own bedroom.

I sometimes miss the company of a roommate. Daniel and I had a good bond. He was a decent roommate. I miss the late night pillow talk - talking about the day and complaining about the other roommates, hehe. It just adds to the loneliness that I sometimes feel here. I hate feeling lonely when you're surrounded by thousands of people. I had that empty feeling when I was in the military. It's a horrible feeling.

Well after the incident Jonathan and I went to EPCOT so he could return a shirt and do a little shopping. I ran into a few more people - a few Rangers - and told them of my plans of going home tomorrow night. Everyone that I've told for the past few days were all about calling me and talking about it that evening. Doing something before I left. No one called. Not any of the past days and not today. They have their lives to live. It just may not include me after tomorrow. The lack of talking and emotion being shown also needs to be taken into consideration when making my final decision. My flight is set to leave tomorrow night at 11 so I have a little under 20 hours to make a decision. Why is it that no one made such an ordeal about my leaving as they did with the old Rangers?... Embrey?... as they plan to for Jeremy? Hmm... Just a thought. Would I be missed if I didn't return? Jonathan has voiced his feelings on wanting me to stay. Sarah has expressed that she wanted me to stay and we briefly talked about a few of the reasons before she had to get off the phone. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.

I want to stay but I need to go home. I told Daniel and my mother that if they needed me to come just say so - they said so. A promise is a promise. I have to go home, don't I? I am so confused and lost. I'm not a quitter so I don't want to leave. There are just so many things making it hard to stay. More things making it hard to stay than to leave. My mother needs me and it's my belief that she needs me more than she's letting on. A dear friend of the family's died suddenly (on Sunday) and she's taking it kind of rough on the internally. Mainly because of her own deteriorating health. The doctor has placed her on a new diet and exercise program. That's about all they can do besides some experimental surgery. She doesn't want that. To her the severe pain has become part of everyday life. Not being able to sit up is now a routine thing. Not being able to "mother" her children in the ways she would like is the most devastating thing. I must admit that I miss it myself. My mother has been the only constant person in my life. She has been the one person I could always count on being there. The only parent I've ever had. The thought of losing her is more terrifying me than anything else. Seeing her like this - knowing that she is in so much pain kills me. I almost lost her once and I was so devastated the entire week she was on life support, that my life literally stopped. Everyday and every night my dreams are filled with the wishing that she would/could get better. I just want my mom back. The way she used to be. I have never been able to dream the dreams that a normal child would dream and now my dreams continue to be for other people. I never get the chance to be selfish with anything. Things for me are never about me...

I feel so confused... lost... stunned... hurt... empty... sad... powerless... just plain overwhelmed.

Sum it up for me Nelly:

Paint my face in your magazines
Make it look whiter than it seems
Paint me over with your dreams
Shove away my ethnicity
Burn every notion that I may have a flame inside to fight
And say just what is on my mind
Without offending your might

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

Weatherworn, looking all the rage
They took her passion and her gaze and made a poster
Now it’s moccasins we sport
We take the culture and contort
Perhaps only to distort what we are hiding

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

Hey you, the one, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don’t fit in, how ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do
Say what you want, say what you want, say, say, say
Cuz this life is too short, just for you