Fading

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. -Chinese Proverb

I woke up today around 9 am because I had to be at work at 1130. I'm really hating these mid-day shifts. They suck up they suck up they entire day. Plus, by the time you get home it's almost time to go to bed and when you wake in the morning you have little time. There is just no time to do anything. I didn't do anything before work except read my book and work a little on my site.

After getting to cast services I checked CDS to see if Robert had fixed my messed up time from the day before. Sure enough he didn't. As usual he was an incompetent fool who doesn't know how to do the simplest of tasks given to him. I went into the office to see if someone would fix it. [CDS was saying that my day ended at 7:15 but it didn't and I didn't punch out until 9:00. That's 1 hour and 45 minutes later. I need to make sure that I'm not going to be in trouble for this and that I get paid for that time.] I get to the office really only to be ignored by everyone in it (except Jason who was busy on the phone). Robert finally takes it upon himself to ask what I needed. I told him and he said that I was supposed to return to the Ranger office at that time. I obviously had because I had asked him three times the night before to fix it. Plus I sat there with him for over 30 minutes while he called the location to fix a time discrepancy. Well he said that no one could find me. Well if he would have made any effort to look for me it wouldn't have been hard. I was sitting in the cast services break room (which is where all the Rangers who were released early like that goes to). The break room is a whopping 15 feet down the hall from the office. I was in there the entire time. Please Survivor was on and I am not going to miss it if I didn't have to. Plus, Brian saw me in the hall way. So I naturally I was irritated and reminded him of the events of the previous evening. All he kept saying was we couldn't find you. What!?! Is he that dim that he doesn't remember seeing me and talking to me. Not to mention the fact that I had brought up that very problem three times. Moron. Well I got loud with him. Called him an idiot and walked off so as not to be late for my shift.

I was deployed to Ice Station Cool for the entire duration of my shift. I like Ice Station except for the sticky floor and the cast members there are slightly off. Closing sucks only because of all the trash bags that needs put into cans. It's so tedious. But still a decent place to work. Sally was deployed there as well so I at least knew that I was going to have someone normal to converse with. In the course of the work day there was a lost child, a lady who while asking where the restroom was puked all over the ground and saw two VIP tour groups come through. Only one VIP was recognized as being Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's so hot. One of the soda machines was broken and was spewing watermelon syrup all over the floor. Sticky mess. Leh Lee was manager. She's so flighty but I love her. She showed told of the Thanksgiving day left overs in the Pin Central refrigerator and told me to go help myself on my break. So, I did. There was some sweet potato pie there and oh my, was it heavenly. The day went quickly. I was out in no time. I came home and grabbed some dinner and watched a movie. Now here I sit.

About something I mentioned in above (about me getting loud with Robert). I find myself becoming a less patient person with people, especially stupid people. I've been here too long. 199 days. I can really start to feel it weighing on me. Especially after yesterday. It just didn't seem like any sort of holiday. I'm used to a cold and brown Thanksgiving; not a warm green one. It had little to do with spending the holiday away from my family. For most of my life I spent the holidays alone. My family would go off to the extended family holidays and I'm not welcome there. So it was ravioli and/or PB & J. However last year, Daniel came up to spend them with me. I guess it's just that when I'm home and alone I still have the comforts of familialarity but here I have nothing. It's all new. It's all different. Too different.

Plus for the past week I've been noticing some decline in the compassion and kindness in people here. I myself am falling into that. Why? Is it that we are coming to a close with only 37 days to go? Is it the time we've been here weighing down? Is that we're pushing people away so that the goodbyes aren't as hard in January? When I think about leaving, I can't wait to leave. The number of people that I'm truly going to miss is decreasing at an incredible rate. I'm not too sure how I feel about it. I don't exactly like it but then they really aren't doing anything to stop it... so why should I. Friendship takes an effort from all parties involved. I will not give with no reciprocation - I've learned my lesson with that mistake several times before and will not fall prey to that stupidity again.

Off to bed I go. I do work 9-530 tomorrow. Bankers hours. Let's hope my fortune of good shifts continues. Hope - the one thing I have left.