Like sands thru the hour glass

"People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen to you in life that's unreal..."-Andy Warhol

Today I had off. I called in for a shift but they had nothing open. As a matter of fact they couldn't find homes for the Rangers who were scheduled so I stayed at home.

The housing people came by and inspected my room and bathroom and all that jazz for the possibility of a new roommate. Well the possibility is no longer. It's a positivity. He arrives on Monday.

John and I went to Downtown Disney. He wanted to go to Virgin and road along. I was wanting to go as well to look for and possibly buy a movie or two. And that's what happened. I bought two: CAMP and Life as a House. My main reason for buying Life as a House was because John hadn't seen it and I was trying to explain it to him (since it is one of my favorite movies). And my reason for buying CAMP was because I had heard it was good and it looked interesting. Plus, I enjoy independent films.

John and I watched Life as a House when we got home. He thought it was good. I've not met one person who didn't like it. It's about so many things, both obvious and underlying. It's the father to son relationship development in the movie that I feel the most emotional about and attached to. I don't feel as if I have ever had any type of relationship with neither of my fathers, biological or step.

In some ways I wish I did have a relationship with my biological father. What child wouldn't? But yet, why would any child want a relationship with someone who so easily abandoned them. It was so easy for him to walk away. How? Why was it so easy for him to walk away from my mother in a pregnant state, yet marry a woman who bore him three children. Even after my birth and his accidentally comforting me he was capable of walking away with out so much as a glance back. Then came my attempt to contact him and his refusal and denial of my existence. It hurts. I know I shouldn't let it. But I'm only human.

As for the relationship with my step-father. Well, I'd rather I didn't have one than to have the one I do. Growing up he was always so mean my me. I know how whinny that must sound. The truth of the matter is simply that he indeed treated me in the cliche way a step-father would treat the step-son. Nothing I did was ever right nor could it ever be right. He didn't take any time to bond with me in any sort of caring way. He insulted me in every way possible. Nothing compares, though, to the physical insults I endured. Now in these times I know that children are claiming false physical abuse from a parent or both, but I am not one of those children. The beatings happened. The pain was more than real. The scars exist. The memories are forever.

As I look back on my life and recall the events that have brought me to where I am today, molded me into who I am, and I can't help but to fall prey to the cynical thoughts of disbelief that many people have to think when listening to my sob stories: "Wow, Dustin, you sure have had a lot of things happen to you. How could one person have been through so much?" The truth is, I don't know why all that had to happen to me. The only answer I can come up with is this: It had to happen to someone. Why not me? Obviously I was strong enough to endure and still become a good person. There are those who take the lessons of life and turn them into negatives. Why let something continue to rot away at your inner self and why allow it to make you a bad person? With every new trama life brings my way I adapt and over come. I don't have a choice. I have to be strong. For my family. For my mother. For myself.