I missed yesterday. =( That upsets me, but it wasn't entirely my fault. As you know I've not been feeling well for the past couple of weeks and it's been fluctuating in severity. Well for the past week the headaches have been more frequent and more severe. Plus there had been a stabbing pain just above my left temple directly followed by a nose bleed (just the left nostril). As of today I've had 8 of them in the last week. So last night after I got the blood to stop I still had the headache and couldn't look at the computer screen so I laid down to be rid of the headache before posting my blog but before I knew I must have cried myself to sleep. It hurts...bad.

Growing up I often would get episodes of severe and painful "temple pangs" as well chest pains. I don't think they were directly connected at all. But I believe the bloody nose and "temple pangs" are. As a child the blood wouldn't come so fast after the pang but as I got older the blood would come sooner and sooner after the pang. Now they come almost simultaneously. They stopped for a while. The last severe nose bleed (one that required hospitalization) was the summer of '97. I have nose bleeds since then but not as bad, until yesterday that is. So I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I've not told my mom about all the nose bleeds but she saw two of them and I've not told her about the doctor's appointment because I don't want her to worry needlessly. I remember how she worried about them as I was growing up and I'd just rather spare her any grief. I myself am worried though I'll not let on. I'm not as strong as I used to be. Life has taken it's toll and is continuing to do so and I feel it weighing down on me to crumble away anything I have left in emotional and spiritual strength that allows me to be independent in needing help from other people, yet allowing me to be there in their times of need.

I've always been a protector of sorts. I would protect those I loved at any costs even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. I am currently trying to protect my mother from the worry that would befall her should she know the severity of the nose bleeds and "temple pangs" but I feel that I'll lose the fight in keeping the truth from her. How can I protect her...or anyone else for that matter... if I'm unable to protect myself from the reality that is setting in and setting in deep. I'm scared and I don't want to face this alone... whatever it is I'm facing. Though I have friends... I'll be going to the appointment alone. I am being pessimistic about the situation and thinking worst case scenario but how many people die a year because they didn't worry about the new mole on their arm, or the headaches, or the blood spot on their leg, etc... Whatever the situation, I'll be ok... I have to be... I always am.