5 days. I'm behind by 5 days. It's all Daniel's fault! Damn him. He makes me forget about the world. :) I would tell you what happened each day but I'm not even sure what happened on each individual day. But let me give some general coverage on a few things that have happened.

Daniel came Friday night and stayed til Wednesday. Woohoo. I love spending time with him. He makes the days go by faster and makes them worth getting up for. Sometimes I feel he's the reason why life is worth living. When he's near I feel whole. Now that he's at home I feel like I'm missing some essential parts of myself.

Daniel, Shawna, Danny, Matt and myself all went bowling on Saturday night. I enjoy bowling. It's significant because Shawna and I are starting to hang out more again. That excites me. But more importantly that night brought to me a new realization. You see Eric (dick!) was concerned that Daniel and I may not be able to pick up the balls by ourselves. He's only met me twice and Daniel once. How dare he pass judgment. Pass judgment... hmm... interesting concept since he 'follows God's law.' So... isn't that kinda sinful? I've decided that if someone has the chance to get to know me and doesn't then they have no right to say anything especially to pass judgment.

Sunday and Monday were generally uneventful. Daniel didn't go to class Monday because the roads were bad so he was stuck here. Tuesday he was stuck again as was I. So we stayed in all day. In the evening we went sled riding with my sister, Danielle and my brother Ryan. Great fun. Down thru the woods we went. I am so greatful that Daniel knows how to have fun. I'm so appreciative of that. I'm the kinda person who needs to be surrounded by people who know when to be 'uptight' but knows how to live.

Daniel left yesterday. Today I made it to class and found out that all but one of my classes were cancelled on Tuesday, anyway, so I didn't miss anything. Woohoo. It felt as if today was dragging on but now that I look back at it in retrospect, it went fast. I fixed my taxes and they're on their way to the IRS. I should have them back the 6th. YAY! Other than that nothing big happened. So that's the past week in a nutshell.

and that's all she wrote. Today was good. 3 stars

Yesterday was ok. Went fast. Classes were interesting. I keep running into Matt a lot this semester. Odd. My religious studies class is really getting interesting. I just don't know. I came home and ended up going out with Dannielle to see Lord of the Rings for the last and final time. Came home, talked to Daniel and went to bed.

Today started out ok. But it's ended so crappy. I watched some TV and then headed over to Shawna's to hang out with her for the first time since my birthday. Just my luck on my way there I smash my car into a bank. GREAT!! She and I go to Wal*Mart do little shopping, we go to the theatre, and to Perkins. It was nice. I really enjoyed the time with her.

Throughout the day tho I am noticing more and more my own faults and defects both physically and personality traits. I'm dwelling on them too much. I find it odd that people seriously find me attractive. I just don't see it. I don't think I am. I look into the mirror and see all that is wrong with me. I avoid looking directly at my face when doing my hair. I can't stand the sight of looking at my own face. I portray being confident only because confidence is attractive and I know people think so. Oh goodness... I have such a complex. I need to get over it and grow up.

Today was a load of crap and I got a lumpy one. 1 star

I slacked a little here. It's Wednesday and I haven't posted for the past 2 nights. Daniel came over Sunday night so that would be the reason behind the lack of entries. :)

Sunday was a drab day nothing exceptionaly exciting happened. Monday was just as dull. The only highlight was seeing Daniel both days. My car went in for new tires and the finishing touches on the tune-up. Now she's running smooth.

Tuesday- Well Daniel left Tuesday morning. :( He had class and so did I. Classes went well. Although I think my religous studies class is going to mess me up more than I already am. At this point we're studying Judaism and he brought up 2 midrashes. One about Adam having two wives and Eve was his second one. The other about how God had a wife named Sophia. Do Jews seriously believe this stuff? Tho there does seem to be some evidence to support it. He also gave evidence that God was not all knowing and not perfect. Hmm... I don't know. Myabe by the end of this semester I'll have some real answers on the whole God thing. English is great. I always did love that class. History blows!! I just simply do not understand what that man has in his mind. He's making the class a lot harder than it really has to be. Puttin way to much work on himself and us. My EDSP (educational psych) class is fantastic. Not only because it's easy but the teacher is super stellar. As for my communications media class... uhmm... I'm not to sure about it yet. Like yesterday he taught us how to build web pages and how to rename files. From one extreme to the next. The class took forever. I just wanted to get home to eat and sleep. After it was finally over I go to my car to find it with a flat tire. POS! So I had to call home to have dad come fix it. I never made it home til midnight. Grr... I went straight to bed.

Today was alright for the most part. Pretty slow. Dannielle came over and watched Passions and Days of Our Lives with me. They were supposed to reveal that damned serial killer and didn't. After that I worked on some homework. Watched my realty TV -The Apprentice, The Bachlorette, & The Mole-. Talked to Daniel and finished up my homework. Now here I sit. Hopefully tomorrow will be a slightly more eventfull day but less stressful than Tuesday. We'll see, we'll see.

And that's all she wrote. Today was mediochre. 3 stars

Again I'm typing this right after I have gotten off the phone with Daniel. And again I must profess that he is indeed one of the greatest people I know. He and I have become so close. I truly am greatful to know him. He came in to my life at a very pivotal time. I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. I had just gotten out of the second of the two most stressful relationships I've ever been in. Tho John caused me a lot of anguish. He is still a good guy and I hope he finds everything in life he is searching for. May he get all he deserves out of life.

tonight's entry is quite different from last nights. Today I was happier than I have been the past couple of days. I felt things were really going my way. I hadn't been eating or sleeping well but last night I slept very well and today my appetite was tremendous. I believe my change in mod has a lot to do with that I'm getting a nice surprise tomorrow. Daniel is coming to see me and most of my glumness had come from thinking that I was not going to see him for a while.

The snow kept coming today. I wish it would stop. I was supposed to go down to IUP today but I was snowed into my house for the third day in a row. I missed classes on Thursday because of it. I now plan on driving down on Monday now. I need to get my books. Ugh, I'm so far behind. I have 14 books to buy for my 6 classes and 8 of those are for English. Blah. College is so expensive. I hope everyday that I will win the lottery... Maybe I could/would if I'd play it. :)

And that's all she wrote. Today was just a humdrum day. 3 stars

Ok so, I just got off the phone with Daniel. He's such a wonderful guy. My only wish is that I never hurt him as much as I tend to hurt to people. Sometimes I think that the only talent I have is that of causing pain to those I care for. I hope all those I have caused pain can forgive me. Causing the pain was never an intent of mine.

Why the glum post? Hmm... I guess it's because I've spent all day trapped in my house with my family. I'm dealing with so much. The start back to school. The ignorance of my step-father. The laziness that he embodies. I had lots of time to think about the last time I spent with Daniel. Though, he makes me very happy. Our last time together wasn't as splendiferous as I would have liked but that's for me to get over and I will, in time. I just hold grudges and I hold them for a long time.

Also, while sitting here at home today I've come the decision that I'm moving out of my families home. I need out. It's just getting to be too much. My original intent was to be here to help out. To be here for my mother and my sibs but things are getting out of control. They are my family but not the family that I should have the responsibility of financially taking care of. Helping out is one thing but actually being the provider is another and I feel that it's heading in that direction. I feel that they are relying to heavily on me. My mother has decided to stay with the dick, she dug this grave for herself and I will not lay in it and rot with her.

I'm feeling distant from everything and everyone that matters to me. This includes my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if nothing between us has ever changed but then I snap out of my daydream and realize that we've grown up and grown slightly apart. I don't like it and I know she doesn't either and we fight it but it seems as if life has something else in mind. Is it fate? If it is then why would fate bring us back together and allow us to maintain a 7-year long fantastic friendship? Why would we be allowed to become as close as two people can get without being married? Maybe it's just the time constraints. We're both college students that go to different schools. She's married and has a complete life where as I'm still struggling with trying to bring a complete life together. What ever it is we're determined to not let anything happen to what we have.

As for her having a complete life that seems to be the case with all my friends. They're all growing up. Married with kids and out on their own and here I am still living at home and struggling with pulling my life together. I'm 22 damn it! Shouldn't it already be together? I mean seriously, one of my college professors is 24. I should be there. In some ways I know why I'm not but is it fair? No of course it's not because life isn't fair but why does life always have to shit on the same people. And it's not enough that life shits on us but then we get our nose rubbed in it.

I'm so winy today. I just have a lot on my mind. I should be doing the old adage and counting my blessings. =\ I do have so much to be greatful for but at this point it's just that my despair out weighs all my happiness. Hopefully tomorrow is different.

And that's all she wrote. Today was nothing more than non-enjoyable. 0 stars