So Monday: I didn't post for two reasons. One because it really was an uneventful day. Two was because I had company. Daniel was over. =)
Tuesday: Well it was my long day for classes only I got out of my Communications Media class early so I made it home an hour early. I talked to academic advisor and received his opinion on what classes I should take for the fall semester (if I'm not in Disney World). He also told me how to go about challenging my Comm grade because of the whole presentation situation and said that I have good grounds to do so. =) I got my psych test back and did MUCH better than I thought I would. Woohoo. Other than that not much happened. I didn't post because right after I got off the phone with Daniel I passes out. I don't even remember doing so. I woke up this morning still in my clothes and with the phone still in my hand. I didn't even move, like a rock.

That brings us to today. I don't get to go out and do much since my car is broken and the garage is having trouble fixing it. =( I hope it gets fixed soon. Hmm... I never thought to see if my insurance company would cover a rental since my car broke. I should check this out. I'll have to do it on Friday because I have classes tomorrow and won't make it home in time. I hope they do. It would be nice to stop driving my parents car. Ugh. So today was designated to doing homework anyway. I now understand why they advise taking a history and English class together. I looked up some classes today to start planning out my fall schedule. I was hoping to achieve the same stroke of luck I had for this semester and be able to schedule only Tues and Thurs classes but it looks like I may not be able to. I did get one schedule that would work for that but it doesn't contain Math 152 or Geo 104 which I need to take to be able to do my sophomore block. So, I may be going on Mon, Wed and Fri. Hopefully Disney World's letter says they want me. Other than that I didn't do much today. Seems my life is becoming more boring and more empty as the time goes on. That's one reason why I really hope I get the opportunity to go to Disney World to work. I left home once when I joined the Army. Though the Army was partly a mistake I did however enjoy the being away from here and the excitement of traveling and learning new life experiences. Now I'm back home and for what? My friendships have been failing and I've never been fond of my family. Though my friendship with Kacy is on the rise and I do have Daniel. Two people I'm very thankful. I just want to get a way for a little while again. I need to, desperately need to.

Sunday night... used to be that I dreaded it so. But I don't have classes on Monday so it's not like I have to wake up at 5 anymore. Though I still am not a big fan because it does mean that the following day is the day I must scramble to get things done that I put off all weekend. I'm such a procrastinator sometimes. I have to have read the entire novel, Benevolence and Betrayal by Tuesday and I have yet to buy the book. Yikes. I'm not sure if I'm going to run down in the morn or just wait til Daniel gets here... either way I need to be there at 3:30 anyway to meet with my adviser to schedule fall classes. I'm hoping though that I won't be here this fall. I'm still in the dark about whether nor not I was hired by Disney World. I'm supposed to receive a letter in the USPS mail letting me know. ::fingers crossed::

Today was really pointless and I have no idea why I didn't do anything productive. I just watched a couple of movies and read A Book of Surrealist Games, this for my Humanities Literature class. Played a few games with my brother and his girlfriend (both from the book and normal board games -- like Disney Trivial Pursuit and this fun picture game called Snapshot). Ugh... I should really get my priorities straight when it comes to my school work. I just hate History SO much that I put it off til the last minute.

Not much else is going on in my life. I should call Shawna tomorrow. Daniel's coming to see me tomorrow and he has an interview with the Disney World people as well. That would be fun if we both were hired but the odds for that are astronomical. He then will be leaving Tuesday morning and coming back on Friday. Gas prices are outrageous... this is probably no surprise to anyone. I'm thinking boycott but that would mean that no one could go anywhere and that's highly unlikely, but then who knows. Someday the world will spin my way... and that's around me. This I promise. =P

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind (brown) eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind (brown) eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind (brown) eyes.



~ ...and that sums up my day.~

Nothing of any importance happened today except that I spoke to the doctor who had nothing to say. The blood tests returned no results and that in many ways it's good but in doesn't rule out everything. Other tests may be needed... I'm not sure if I want to go through with them, with not having any medical insurance.

As I promised I'll talk about yesterday. I woke up early and went to classes. Nothing out of the ordinary or fun happened except that I learned that Norah Jone's is the daughter of the most notable singer of ancient Hindu music. (to me this is interesting) I had a test in Educational Psych which totally sucked. I'm not sure how I did... I knew a lot of the answers but at the same time I wasn't sure about most. We shall see, I guess. I then waited around campus because I had an interview to become a cast member with Disney World. Disney uses movie slang to refer to everything... a cast member is simply an employee of Disney. I'm hoping to hop on board as in intern cast member at Disney World for the summer and fall while hopefully picking up some college credits as well. From my point of view the interview went well but still not sure if I'll be invited. I'm hoping thought the entire thing is bitter sweet. The experience would be astounding not to mention it'll look great on anyone's resume. Benefits aplenty. =) It's not like it was when I left for the military in several ways. There is Shawna and I's friendship... when I had left for the ARMY we were as tight as ever and at this point we're still on the mend. I'm not sure how leaving for 6-8 months would effect us. Plus, there is the fact that I'm not single. The relationship is relatively new. On hand one it'll be better to leave now and have this cause issues than to wait and have it cause issues further down the line when we're closer. On the other I don't want to cause any unnecessary stress on the relationship. I don't know what to do. =\ My future is important but so are the people in it.

I'm on my way to bed I've gots to get up early for a vision and hearing screening. So I will post about today tomorrow. =)

Today was a fast paced interesting day. I awake early as usual but was cold so I stayed in bed a bit longer. I watch Ellen and headed for the shower (after which I was planning on settling in a comfy chair for some study time) but never got to it because as I slipped my short over my head the phone rang and it was Kacy. =) As soon as I said hello to her I got a beep and it was Shawna (all of a sudden the world revolves around me and boy it felt good). Kacy wanted to know how I was feeling and what the doctors had to say but I didn't get the report today (he's hoping for tomorrow as am I) and Shawna wanted to know if she could come over and I said she could. So as I was talking to Kacy I did some laundry and looked up some airfare to Los Angeles to see the Ellen Show. =) Shawna showed up just after I got off the phone. We chatted and watched Days of Our Lives (she doesn't watch but I made her today because Alice Horton is on the verge of being killed by Marlena Evans). We ate supper and chatted more. It was all an attempt to resolve our issues that I have previously mentioned in past posts. I'm not to sure we got real far because we had a ton of interruptions... next time we need to go out somewhere but that would require something I'm lacking: a car. I found out today that my transmission is indeed in tranny heaven. My it never rest in peace the horrid bastardly piece of junk. So now... to either fix that car or give my Grand Am a tune up or to buy a new car. I would prefer the latter of the three but I need to be logical and realistic as seeing how I now have medical bills plus a few others so... fixing the Grand Am it probably is. After Shawna left I did a little studying and reading while watching Survivor, Extreme Makeover & West Wing followed by Kingdom Hospital. I need to study while multi-tasking or else or I won't retain the information. I'm odd like that. So here I sit.

Tomorrow is my EDSP mid-term... I think I'll do ok. I doubt my other professors got the exams graded seeing as how they were essay exams and they have a hundred or so of them to read. =P I also have a meeting about doing a summer internship in Disney World which I haven't decided if I truly want to take yet. I have got to crack down on what I'm doing this summer and get in gear and get it done. I'll decide after the meeting tomorrow with them and then I need to make one with my academic advisor and talk about the fall semester. Ugh... life is getting to complicated and going way to fast. Next I'll be deciding what senior center to become a member of.

Hello world. =P

Today I awoke on time but not so refreshed seeing as how I only got 5 hours or less of sleep but still ready to face the day. It was cold this morning and the proof of that was in my water pipes... they were froze. I thawed them out quickly and got my shower and was back on track in no time. I wore my silk shirt and silk dress pants today because of my Comm presentation. My drive to class was uneventful and as usual (as of lately) lo-ong. I had to park in Robertshaw which might as well be in Russia but as I pulled in so did the campus bus... that never happens, what luck... that fates were on my side today. Woohoo. I take the bus to The Oak Grove and headed towards my World Religions class. I had some time so I studied a bit for my Humanities Literature mid-term. Dr. Gibson handed back a quiz we took last class... I got a 9 out of 10. =) After that I headed to my Human Lit class and took the exam. I'm feeling really confident about it. I'm sure a got an "A" but have my eyes set on a "B" as to not have my hopes dashed if I didn't get the "A". I then headed straight to my History class and took the mid-term for that class. I think I did well on that as well. Probably not an "A" but definitely no lower than a "B". From there to Educational Psychology were we took a quiz that I bombed and studied for our mid-term which is on Thursday. That brings me to my Communications Media class, which is now my new least favorite class. He never emailed me back saying that I was not going to give my presentation today so I was over dressed for nothing. He decided to make the presentation a pass or fail assignment. That's a violation of the syllabus because it said if we missed it we would have to make it up. The syllabus also stated that today was to be designated for presentations anyway. So he changed the days without conferring with us first which is also a violation of the syllabus. That's two violations of the legal binding contract, between a student and a professor, that is the syllabus, which I have every intention on disputing because this could seriously hurt my grade. I had emailed him letting him know that I was going to miss that class because of the bad weather and he had plenty of time to email me back informing me that he changed the syllabus... and he didn't. I WILL get credit for the assignment. It was done and in the folder on time. I just didn't present it which is his fault as much as it is mine. So tomorrow I am calling the Dean of the education department to have a little chat. =)

He let the class out early, thank goodness. I walked straight to the bus stop and wouldn't you know it as I arrived so did the bus. Twice in one day with the no waiting for the bus. Woohoo. So I hop on and away we go. I noticed immediately the bus was kind of full which was odd then when we went through the light instead of turning I realized I was on the wrong bus. So Dustin went for a nice little 45 minute ride around Indiana. It was nice though. It was some good thinking and self-reflexivity time. I eventually made it back to my car after the bus dropped me (as close to my car as it was going to get) further away from where I parked than I had originally started. I figured screw it and walked the 3/4 of a mile to the car. I came home. I checked my email and chatted with Kacy a bit before taking a nap (because I had a headache) while waiting for Daniel to call.

Tomorrow is when the doctor said my test results should be back. One can only hope all is well. =\ It's Wednesday so I'm home free but who knows what tomorrow will bring. =P

Well here we are Monday night...woohoo. =( Classes tomorrow morning.

Today was completely uneventful except for the doctors appointment I had. Not much happened there. He said he wouldn't know anything until test results came back. Mom talked to her doctor and she said that it was a good thing to have seen a doctor and both stated that if/when I have another episode in the next few days I should go to the emergency room. I had every intention on doing just that. My lack of medical insurance is going to be a slight problem in paying all this but it's important. My doctor did lighten up the day with his usual witty self. Since a child I've also had issues with my memory and have seen Dr. Wong about this as well as the headaches and nose bleeds in the past. While there he performed a routine check-up with the memory problem as well. He asked me when I had noticed my memory had gotten worse and I told him that I didn't know... I couldn't remember. So then he just starts checking off a bunch of stuff on his paper and writing stuff and I asked what he was doing and he told me that there was no sense in finishing the questions because I probably wouldn't remember anyway. Then he grinned...goofball. He then finished with the questions. I again asked of my poor memory could be related to the headaches and such and again got the answer that he doesn't know and will know more when the tests come back. So, I've got not answers for anything but I did see a look of worry in his eyes at one point. =( I hope I have nothing to worry about. Time will tell I guess.

I have two mid-terms tomorrow, two quizzes and a presentation. I am so not prepared for any of this. The English mid-term I think I can handle but the History one I'm going to do poorly on... I know it. The other stuff is just details and one shouldn't sweat the small stuff. I might ask if I can delay my taking of the History mid-term until Thursday. Between preparing for all y other classes and the whole medical issue... I'm just not prepared for it. I'm just not prepared for a lot of things that life has decided to throw my way lately.

I am very glad for my friends and the compassion they show and share. I would like to thank Kacy and Daniel for expressing the love and devotion that they have today. The two of you are wonderful and made today a lot lighter. With people like the two of you in my life I don't see how I can not smile during dark times. Thank You. =)

I missed yesterday. =( That upsets me, but it wasn't entirely my fault. As you know I've not been feeling well for the past couple of weeks and it's been fluctuating in severity. Well for the past week the headaches have been more frequent and more severe. Plus there had been a stabbing pain just above my left temple directly followed by a nose bleed (just the left nostril). As of today I've had 8 of them in the last week. So last night after I got the blood to stop I still had the headache and couldn't look at the computer screen so I laid down to be rid of the headache before posting my blog but before I knew I must have cried myself to sleep. It hurts...bad.

Growing up I often would get episodes of severe and painful "temple pangs" as well chest pains. I don't think they were directly connected at all. But I believe the bloody nose and "temple pangs" are. As a child the blood wouldn't come so fast after the pang but as I got older the blood would come sooner and sooner after the pang. Now they come almost simultaneously. They stopped for a while. The last severe nose bleed (one that required hospitalization) was the summer of '97. I have nose bleeds since then but not as bad, until yesterday that is. So I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I've not told my mom about all the nose bleeds but she saw two of them and I've not told her about the doctor's appointment because I don't want her to worry needlessly. I remember how she worried about them as I was growing up and I'd just rather spare her any grief. I myself am worried though I'll not let on. I'm not as strong as I used to be. Life has taken it's toll and is continuing to do so and I feel it weighing down on me to crumble away anything I have left in emotional and spiritual strength that allows me to be independent in needing help from other people, yet allowing me to be there in their times of need.

I've always been a protector of sorts. I would protect those I loved at any costs even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness. I am currently trying to protect my mother from the worry that would befall her should she know the severity of the nose bleeds and "temple pangs" but I feel that I'll lose the fight in keeping the truth from her. How can I protect her...or anyone else for that matter... if I'm unable to protect myself from the reality that is setting in and setting in deep. I'm scared and I don't want to face this alone... whatever it is I'm facing. Though I have friends... I'll be going to the appointment alone. I am being pessimistic about the situation and thinking worst case scenario but how many people die a year because they didn't worry about the new mole on their arm, or the headaches, or the blood spot on their leg, etc... Whatever the situation, I'll be ok... I have to be... I always am.

I must confess in my laziness. I didn't wake up until 1:00 today. I feel like such a bum. I complain about other people sleeping in past 10 or 11 because it's such a waste of the day I think. A person can get so much accomplished by noon if they wake at a decent hour. To be fair to myself tho, I didn't go to bed until around 4 and laid there wide awake for a while. I woke up feeling like pooh tho.

I didn't do anything today. Not a damn thing. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't talk to anyone until Daniel called me around 11:00 or so. I didn't do anything. Just worked out, showered, watched Days of Our Lives, played some Gamecube, and did some stuff on line.

My car is still broken and the garage has not yet called me. But I'm sure it's the transmission. I think I'm going to buy myself a tricycle... it'll be safer for all on the road. =P I have the worst luck with cars.

Summer school is looking like the best option for me at the moment. I'm pretty sure I want to go. It'll start in June so I'll have the end of April and the entire month of May off before starting again. Then my first 2 classes will be from early June to early July and my third class will be from early July to early August; if I get the class I'm hoping to be able to register for anyway. We'll see, I guess. A lot depends on what I need to do about my car though.

Grr...

3:27 AM and here I am wide awake and no where near bed time ready. La la la.

Well I missed a post and the reason for that being that I had turned of my computer before I remembered and didn't feel like turning it back on. Nothing of any importance happened anyway.

As for today... I woke up with a pounding headache. That's the worst, next to waking up with some odd vaginal infection. =P I stumbled round the house looking for something to take contemplating a morphine drip. I found the semi-good stuff (codeine w/ caffeine) took two and hit the shower. Got out of the shower feeling slightly better and a little more on top of the world. Got dressed to the cutest of my ability today considering the state of being I was in. By the time I was finished getting dressed and pack all my gear for classes I was more than on top of the world... I was on the cloud I like to Whitney (named for Houston) =P Ok maybe not quite that high, but I was feeling no pain. I get to IUP a tad early and decide to add some cash to I-card to enable me to get something from the vending machine while I was on the run later in the day and thus started my day. I missed class on Tuesday because of the weather so I find out today that this up-coming Tuesday I have two mid-terms; history & English. Yikes! English I'm not fretting to much but history blows. That man can not teach... he's way to smart for his own good and thinks that the rest of us are as well. Well, we're not! So we shall see. My other classes go fine and dandy other than being late to Psych because my history professor can't stop talking when class is over. He needs to suck up the 15 minutes we have to get to the next class, as well. Grrr... I then returned to the car and just as I had figured, I had a parking ticket. I had forgotten to take the parking permit out of my car and place it in the one I drove. Oops... $10, so not a big deal. I then came home and settled in for a relaxing evening of Will & Grace and The Apprentice.

I'm not to sure what's going on with my car. The garage didn't call me today to say they had looked at it and found anything. So hopefully he does tomorrow. I've decided that if I need to purchase a transmission that I'm just going to buy a new car. But what... now that is the question.

I've been thinking hard core about what I want to do this summer, in terms of school, work, where to live, etc... It's a lot to wrap my head around to try and figure it all out so that it best fits my needs and interests in as many aspects as possible. But I'm sure I'll come to a good solid decision about it soon.

Can I just say grr...

What a day. I got up on time and bustled around to do some working out and get my shower. I had actually achieved in getting done quickly, having time to spare. I was all ready and pumped for classes today. After the rotten spring break I had, I was lookin forward to getting back to routine and moving on to the next break. I decided to take a moment this morning and check my email before heading out the door and in doing so I near a window and happen to look out. SNOW?!? I'm not just talking a March dusting either. We're talking an early February blizzard thing going on. So I email my first to class professors and allow them to know that I will not be in class and why I wouldn't. I figured the snow would stop and the roads would clear enough to make it to the rest of my classes and to do my presentation. The time comes for when I would have to leave to make it to my history class and I look out the window only to see more snow upon the ground with no signs of stopping. I email the remainder of my professors to let them know that I will not be coming to class today and there goes my presentation as well. I thought it was spring time. What happened, with that?

My car was towed to a garage this morning but he can't look at it until Thursday or Friday. He said that if it is the transmission, that I probably wouldn't be able to find one for it because Ford was having an experimental year. We encountered this problem when I took it to him to have my alternator looked at because it kept snapping belts. I should just buy a new car and scrap this one... damn it.

So on the account of the weather I didn't leave my home today. Since I live on the back roads and the township folk are a bit lazy they plow the road once a day. So that leaves one with about a 20 minute window of opportunity to go to town and get back home... but I missed that window when I was doing laundry. Oh well. I watched my Ellen and Days of Our Lives. Did some ahead of schedule homework and straightened up my room. [While cleaning my room I came to the realization that my Eeyore collection has gotten completely out of hand. I have run out of room for anymore of him. Not that I'm complaining because I will continue to buy more (and gladly accept it) =P I'm just saying that it's out of control and I wanted everyone (who's seen it anyway) that I'm finally acknowledging that I may be a little OCD with the Eeyore thing.] I then watched Century City and Judging Amy thus summing up my day.

I would just like to end today with a quote from Kenny Rogers:
"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run."

Lets discuss today...

First I had set my alarm to wake up early to go for a run well mother nature decided to make it a bit cold so I snoozed it for an extra half hour. I woke up did some other working out and hit the shower with a quickness to jump out and to grab a quick bite to eat and be off. I decided to do my shopping today and nothing was going to stop me. Daniel and I made plans last night to meet at the mall today so I didn't have to do my recovery shopping alone. As I stepped out my front door I behold that mother nature is looking my way, it warmed up and the sun was kind of shining but it was nice out, good for a drive. I stopped at the bank made some deposits and a withdrawal (I dunno... I wasn't thinking when I deposited that I was just going to take it back out...lol). So to Pittsburgh I went. Driving into Pittsburgh is sometimes a thrill. It's nice to get away from the country and the people in it. =P Father time was all about me today. I made it to the Ross Park Mall in about an hour which put me about 30 minutes ahead of schedule. I did some browsing til Daniel arrived and then I did my shopping. The deity of shoes was loving me today because I made two healthy contributions to her (not that I needed two more pair of shoes, but they were nice). Went to Express and got an ensemble and then off we went to down town to finish up my day of splurging. Spent more than I wanted too but less than I thought I would (if that makes sense) =P So now... since everyone else was smiling down on me the car god decides to throw a curve ball. I'm about 9 miles from home... I was soo close... making good time... I was going to make it home in time for Fear Factor... YAY... but alas I didn't make it. As I was cruisin up the mountain side that is Brady Hill my RPM meter thingy went as far right as it could go and my car made a revy noise and started going backwards... hmm... ok, I'm lost. So I have no gears except neutral. Not fun = not happy!! So coast I did backwards down the hill about 500 feet to back into a side road and parallel park. Now you've not parked til you parked a car with nothing but neutral... man I'm good. =P I turn my car off and start it back up to have it work ok. This girl comes running from her house and bluntly asks: "What are you doing?" Great, all I need, a snotty little teenage girl. Grr... I called my dad anyway and asked him to come check my transmission. It looks low on fluid so we add 2 quart. I start my car and it has go to it so I head back up the hill just for it to happen again. So back down the hill I go... parked it and there she sits... damned beast. My transmission has decided to die apparently... I don't know. It'll be towed to a garage in the morn and we'll see. Now I need to go shopping again because I'm stressed about the car. =P Oh well... any reason to buy a new car, I guess. hehe

I made it home in time to see the last half of Fear Factor and my Average Joe. Damn I love reality TV. Ok... so I'm a bit of a loser but once you watch one episode you're sucked in. Besides... not like my life is any more interesting sometimes. =P Well to bed I must go for I have class in the morn and Dustin has a presentation to give. Wish me luck.

Nothing of any importance happened today. I woke up way late... but that would be because I didn't go to bed until way late. But that's ok, we all need to indulge now and then. I was devoting today to school work anyway. I did my best to complete my homework thought I did not succeed through not fault of my own. IUP seems to be having serious issues with their web pages. They're not loading and I need to be able to connect to the IUP/WEBCT site in order to do my Comm and my History assignments. I did fill out my FAFSA, though I'm not sure how much that'll be. It seems that it'll be a repeat of the same situation I was in last time, financial wise, I mean. We'll see I guess. I also took the liberty of trying to work out a summer schedule and plan so as to be able to take summer courses. I'm not sure what I'm going to do just yet... I just wanted to work out a few options. IUP starts registering for summer courses on the 24th so I still have a little time to think about it and look into other options. I would really like to take up summer classes to ensure a faster graduation. We'll see... we'll see.

I would also like to mention a movie that I watched yesterday, entitled The Truth About Jane. It stars Stockard Channing and Rupaul (as a man). It truly is a good movie, touching and heartfelt. I think anyone struggling to fit in or to belong could relate and would bring something away from this movie, as well would people who are living the life that others would have them live and not living the life they would choose to live for themselves. An excellent movie that I watched today was Whale Rider. What a great movie. It was worth all the Oscar buzz. Kiesha Castle-Hughes did a wonderful job. It shows that in our desperate search to find the things we most covet, we over look the object of our desires because we are blinded by our expectations and our beliefs. It also entails the old Wizard of Oz adage that sometimes you need to look no further than what's in front of you.

Going to bed so I can get up early and head out shopping. Woohoo! =)

Here it is 2:30 in the morn and I'm up and writing in my journal. Actually I just got home. I was out with Kacy for her birthday. Happy Birthday Kacy. I hope you had a great time, I did. Thanks for inviting me. I believe it was the first time I've been out since Halloween... yikes. I've decided that I need to go out more and I think I'm going to.

While out and about tonight I saw so many people that I haven't seen in ages. Tom for one... Tom truly is an interesting human being. I've never been able to figure him out and I don't think anyone ever will. He is definitely in a league of his own. Now Tom and I haven't talked for about two years thru no fault of my own and only thru his actions. He chose to let our friendship fade as he chose to let his friendship with Shawna & April end, rather abruptly, as a matter of fact. One day we woke up and Tom seemed to cease but tonight he decided to welcome himself back into the wonderful world of me. =P I don't want to get into the details of Tom's life because it's his and so not my place to be airing his laundry. After talking with Tom I now see that I'm not as bad off as I thought I was. I was thinking that I was so far behind in life and that I'm really not doing anything worth while or that my life would ever be envied. I now see that I am in a position where so many people wish they could be in. I'm not letting it go to my head, it's not that at all, it's just that I am becoming more appreciative of the things I have and I'm not just talking about materialistic things but education, family (the little I have), friends, goals, etc... It wasn't just Tom that I met tonight that brought all this to light. There was a girl, actually a girl that I met in the same manner that I met Tom, in Culinary Arts & Hospitality, and she as well expressed how good I'm doing and that I should be proud of myself and that I must be happy. Neither of them have gone anywhere or done anything with their lives past graduating. The girl is engaged and has a beautiful daughter of a year but gave up her college dream and her career wants for a boy. Tom gave everything up for a girl and now both regret it with all their heart, tho the girl is happy and says she plans on getting back on track. I'm happy for her. But this isn't about them it's about me and how they made me feel. I never thought about my happiness in my situation, past the point of that I'm content but striving. I didn't think that I should be happy just that I was. Looking at my life in comparison to many other lives, I don't have much room to complain. Let me say this tho... if April decides she wants to bless me with her friendship again I'll think she's gone mad... or that I have. I don't even want to touch that.

Isn't it ironic tho, how life works. I was trying to impress upon Daniel today how stressful and active a servers job is. While at the bar a friend leans over and says "I don't know how you were able to cocktail serve; putting up with all the drunks. Rough." Exactly; thank you. I served at a restaurant and at a bar; both places were rough. A server's work is never done. I thoroughly believe that servers do not get the appreciation they deserve. Working with the public in general is risky business but serving... serving is something that everyone should do to fully understand what they go thru. Give them their 20%! Most of them earn it or try too and remember you're not their only priority; they have other tables plus side work that you don't see. Odd tho how Daniel and I were having that discussion and then I go out and see how right I really was/am.

Other than going out I didn't do much today/yesterday. Got up... jogged... showered... ate... homework... errands... movie... Star Search then bar. That's my day in a nut shell.

So I'm sitting here tired as hell and refusing to go to bed for no particular reason other than not having the energy to walk the five feet to bed and remove my clothes. I would pass out right here in the chair if didn't take so much energy to get situated... yet I have the ability to type in my blog. It's worth it. Besides seems to suck up so much time... valuable time that I just don't seem to have enough of.

I got up around 9 today and checked my downloads and email before grabbing a shower. I came to my room with the towel wrapped around me (as usual) and stood in front of my closet just staring at my clothes. I have way to many but yet not enough. A good song came on so I had to sing along and dance... yup dancing nude... must have taken me about 45 minutes to decide on being adventurous with my clothing and chose something that I've not worn since I bought it last summer... or so. I think I need new shoes. I'm sure I do. I lost a pair and I really need them so replace them I must. I really want to go shopping tomorrow but driving to Pittsburgh seems a whole-to-do for clothes at this point. But it's clothes and shoes! Maybe if I can find someone who wants to ride down with me because I just don't want to drive that by myself. This whole commuting an hour or so to school is fine but has me worn out on the driving by myself. I want company. Cher and Madonna just aren't enough anymore. ~Anyway~ The rest of the day I did homework and chatted a bit online. Justin tells me that I gave him a new addiction by introducing him to the blog. He loves it and I'm happy for him. I wish him the best and hope all works out for him.

Ah, the weekend is here so that means Spring Break is over and on Tuesday I go back to classes. I finally finished PATTERN RECOGNITION today. What a painful book. I'm not even entirely sure I knew what happened. So, now to skim back thru it to pick out a religion motif because stupid me didn't start it until I was 3/4 the way thru. All of my classes seem to be overlapping at this point. As in what we're learning about in class fits together with what we're learning about in another which makes things a little easier. There is however an exception and that would indeed be history. I hate that class, the prof is an idiot. Ok, not really, he's actually way to smart for his own good and assumes that everyone else is as well. Not everyone in the world has nor wants a doctorate in history... maybe someone should tell him. I'm opting out of not telling him because he kind of likes me and I would like to keep it that way in case it might swing the grade a bit. =P I need to read the Koran for my religious studies class... I'm not so sure I like the idea. I've tried reading it and it's painful reading. I have a presentation to put together and prepare for by Tuesday for my communications media class. So I need to remember to dress appropriately. Ugh...

I talked to Shawna for a few minutes on the phone before she had to end the conversation, better luck next time. =P I talked to Daniel on the phone before he ended the conversation due to going to bed but an hour later I see him still online :( Dustin not happy. I'll get over it... I always do. I often think I'm too soft on people by forgiving them way to easily. However, I can hold a grudge and do. When I first came home from the ARMY I think I had a good thing going by just being brutally honest and blunt with everyone. I might go back to that. People deserve the truth and most often people deserve the pain. Hmm... I'm a bit bitter but lemonade just isn't a hot commodity these days.

I just finished reading a blog posted by my friend, Justin, and saw his enthusiasm for the Blog and in his being able to use it to keep a personal account of his thoughts. I was then relieved to see that I am not the only person who finds solace in letting others know what's going on inside. It feels good to get it out and that anyone who's interested in knowing what's going on with me has full access to it.

So today was an eventful day in the house of Schons on McNaughton Road. As usual a family fight emerges over the pettiest of things and Dustin puts himself at the heart of it. I'm not entirely sure how it ended where it did but the final words were of the facts of my sister and I receiving punishment just short of capital if mom deemed it necessary but the twins (as Ryan did to an extent) not get near the punishment they deserve. Is it that parents slack in the correcting of the children as they accumulate more of them? It seems to me that parents just lose interest in having the "best" child and succumb to the child's wants and allows them to become bratty; hence the spoiled persona that the younger of families gives off. I will continue to be amazed at how families differ drastically in some aspects but not so much as I am astonished at how some families don't seem to have a bad apple in that the entire barrel is rotten to the core (including parents, grandparents, aunts, etc...) I see it often; a family of 5 three of the most wretched children you could ever meet and the trashiest parents a trailer park could produce. Which brings me back to my sister, Jess. What a waste of space and air she and her husband truly are. It does sadden me that I have no remorse in that statement but the truth isn't always pleasant.

As I watched Oprah today I saw people who have very simple dreams; and not what I expected them to be. My first reaction would be that they dream of fitting in (because the visibly didn't) but no. They didn't allow their condition to hold them or weigh them down. Then when their child had the same condition they refused to allow the child to succumb to the disorder. To them they were normal and dreamed of everyday things that "normal" people dream of. I was impressed. I myself don't have many dreams if any. Dreams are unrealistic. Growing up I just wanted to fit in and be normal and to be accepted by society and most importantly, my family. My dream was dashed but I came to realize that it didn't matter. Dreams didn't matter. After watching her show today I think I'm beginning to understand the importance of having dreams and not just goals (which is what I have). Maybe I'll even make a wish list.

To bring everyone up to speed with some on going stuff: I've not heard from Shawna today. I did try to call earlier this evening but got no answer so I'm not sure if they came home today as planned. Mom's leg isn't entirely broken, just fractured six different ways. I'm still ill but am feeling better. My teeth took a vacation from hurting. Daniel's super sick, but is on the mend.

I always wake up in the morning feeling better than when I went to bed but never go to bed feeling as good as I did when I woke up. It seems that as the day goes on my illness progresses and my teeth hurt worse and worse. They don't hurt when I wake up. My aunt seems to think that I may have a sinus infection; which I've never had either. I've not had any infections of any kind except Mononucleosis which has a side effect of strep-throat so I don't have the ability to think back to a time when I've had any of the current symptoms I have and compare. Apparently my immune system broke and the "sick monster" is catching up with me. I can't just take my ass to a doctor because I've gots no medical insurance so unless my head start to swell and gets to the point of combustion then I'm tough out of luck.

However my mother took a trip to the emergency room tonight. Yup, that's twice in a week and three times within two weeks that my mom was at the hospital only this time it was not for one of her children but for her. She seemed it necessary to break her leg. ~Anyway~ Mom and I were on our way back from Bingo when I pulled into my little parking cubby and she got out of the car and stepped onto the uneven pavement on the road and twisted her ankle coming down on her leg as it straddled the uneven pavement and breaking it. Also not so good for her back as many of you know she has severe problems with it already. My poor mommy.

I've always wanted to break a leg sled riding. I thought it would be a fun and a great story to tell however after being stuck in a chair for 6 weeks after my knee surgery I wouldn't like the immobility that comes with a broken leg. I did break my arm once but there is no fun story behind that other than I was a klutz and fell down the stairs. I've always had a knack for doing something utterly stupid and hurting myself in the process: like falling from top to bottom of the football bleachers during the half time show; or falling into a man hole; or walking very briskly into a window (glass wall); or walking into a door divider; or opening a door and smacking myself in the face with it; and the list does go on. I don't know how I'm still alive (especially with my driving record, lol). I may just win the Darwin award for the dumbest death, but then again I never win anything. =P

Shawna comes back from Canada tomorrow or at least I think so, anyway. I have the worst memory (probably from hitting my head so much, brain damage) =P All my plans for spring break were shot to hell with me being sick... =( There's always the summer I guess.

Ugh... the illness sets in again. I hurt all over. My teeth -all of them- hurt. I've never in my life had a toothache and apparently it's decided to catch up with me. The past two nights I've took some pain killers and just passed out. It could not have come at a better time nor at a worse time. It's spring break so I'm not missing any of my classes but at the same time I'm having to cancel all plans because I don't feel like leaving my bedroom not to mention the state. I just hope that I feel better by the end of the week so I can get back to my daily life.

Shawna called me on Sunday. She read my journal and was caught up on my thoughts and my feelings. She was angered that I was sharing our problems with any random person that would find their way into my journal and called. She has a right to be upset because I did violate a form of trust that we had built for the past 7 years. I feel badly that she felt so angered and betrayed. At the same time this is my journal and it is a record of my feelings and thoughts. I've not held back on anything about/with anyone. I knew she would be upset by my posting our issues for all to read and in a few ways that's why I did it. I wanted her to read it. I wanted her to know how I felt. It was to be a slap in the face to her and to show her that she isn't doing a very good job with knowing what's going on in the life of her best friend and I was hurt by that. There were times that I really could have used her and needed her but felt that I had lost her. My defense mechanism is to cause hurt to anyone that causes hurt to me. It's not a good trait and I'm not fond of it but it's me and I must deal with it as must my family and friends. I will try to in the future keep it to a minimum and be wary of who I an hurting. I think everyone should be wary of the pain they cause people, because you never know what it could cost you. As for Shawna, I will continue to post about her BUT out of respect for her and our friendship I will keep it to a minimum and keep it censored as not to lose my best friend. I just hope that she is able to understand that this is my journal (tho it be online) and is a record of my thoughts and helps me to feel less pressure by unloading. It also allows people a deeper look into who I am for them to better understand me and at times why I do what I do.

The conclusion that I draw from what has been going on is that we as humans do indeed take so much for granted without realizing that there are no limits to the value of the "object" we are taking for granted. Friendships are one thing that people abuse most often without realizing it. Neglect of a friendship can cause serious harm to the relationship that you built with a person. Don't go a week or two and assume that you can catch up over coffee because within that week who knows what could happen. Shawna's accident could have been a lot worse than some tissue damage and a few bruises. I know this all sounds cliche but to me it's now become real. There may not always be a tomorrow. Take the time you have and call a friend up just to see how they are, you may even save their life, because you never know what is running through someone's mind. Assumptions are a dangerous thing.

No news is good news. But let me just say this. I have never been happier and never felt so complete. Love makes the world go round and I'm surrounded by it.

Still waiting for that call...

I didn't post yesterday because I was busy dying... ugh... I was so ill. Today I'm feeling slightly better but still a little ill.

I just got home from the hospital but not for me. My sister had cut herself so she had to go get stitches. While she was there mom called me and informed me that Shawna and Danny were there because they were in a car accident. I'm slightly bothered by the fact that I had to think about whether or not I was going to go up. I should have just went but I had to think about it. I'm so mad at her and hurt by her. She has done what she said she wouldn't do... replaced me. Our friendship has been on the decline since Becky came into the picture. I hold no ill feelings towards Becky... it's not her fault... and I don't think she really knows what's going on. Well Daniel and I decided to go to the hospital... besides we wanted to get something to eat. When we got there I could see Becky & Eric were there, her grandparents there plus her aunt and aunt's "friend" and I saw Shawna sitting by the window all smiles so I didn't bother going in. What for? I was obviously not needed nor was I wanted there or I would have been called by her and not my mom. I'm pretty sure Eric saw me out the window though. I am still standing by my decision to not call her. I'm still waiting for her call back. I don't know if she's been reading this or not but I doubt it... or else she would have called to flip out on me for airing it to everyone. I need to vent it out and since I'm not talking to my best friend and Daniel's sick of hearing it. So hear it is. =|

Daniel's leaving here on Monday morning and that's probably when I'll leave to start my spring break vacation. YAY. That'll be fun.

Today was an uneventful day. Got up... showered... watched Ellen... homework... bank... Days of Our Lives... Oprah... homework...Kingdom Hospital... and here I be.

One day til I'm officially on spring break and two days til Daniel arrives. I think this weekend I'm going to call a few friends that I haven't seen in a while and invite them out for lunch. It was kind of a ritual thing that we used to do since graduation but alas like all good things it ended. But it's not beyond the point of reparation. Nothing is ever so bad that it can't be fixed... I wonder though about Shawna and I's friendship... still waiting for the call back.

One could only hope that Spring Break gets here soon... two days and it starts for me... YAY! I plan on having the best break [sigh] =)

Today should have been my long day at school but my communications media prof became violently ill and had to cut class early by 2 hours and 15 minutes... [cheers]. My presentation went well in my psychology class. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm not a big fan of having my back towards people especially an entire room/crowd but the classroom's computer and projector were broken so the way we had to do it forced me to have my back to the class [shivers]. Now to get through my presentation in my communications media class. That's in two weeks and I've not yet even begun. I got my history test back today, finally, and got a "B". I thought for sure I had failed it... the entire class thought they failed it. That man has no idea what he's doing, moron. We're reading PATTERN RECOGNITION in English... ugh. Religious Studies has moved on to Islam...wonderful. =p

So, I'm still waiting for Shawna to call me back about bowling. It's been a week and 2 days... I'm thinking she should call me any minute... yeah, right. I understand one is busy, after all I myself have been tremendously busy but I always take time for the ones I love and care about. Shawna used to, too... either she doesn't anymore or she still does and just not for me... either way... I simply refuse to call her. I'm tired of getting the I'll call-you-back-and never-do routine.

Jess and Mike finally moved into their own place today [sings]. That's a little more sleep for me... no screaming child, no big mouth sister nor obnoxious Mike[happy dance]. Now only for the remodeling to become complete

My town and two neighboring towns have had no water for a week now. The water source is contaminated with something and so anyone with town water has no potable water. My brother drank the water while at school and became violently ill. When we took him to the hospital there were 7 other people who had drank the water. Morons... everyone was told. I kind of see why brother did it... Union is such a stupid school. It really is, the students are not allowed to carry in bottled water nor use the vending machines so they dehydrate until lunch when they get a pint of milk and then dehydrate until they get home. I don't understand.

I finally made my way back into my tickle forums to post... =| I'm telling you... it's crazy how some people just refuse to accept new ideas, thoughts and concepts. But a new person joined the group... Asland (wonder if it came from The Lion,the Witch and the Wardrobe) and he/she seems to be an existentialist (from my understanding of existentialism). Interesting... funny how life is full of ironies.