The Melody Within

Music boxes have within melodies they carry with them
Once they're open music fills the air.

Every person you have known has a song of their own
Once they open up you'll hear what's there.

It's not easy you must listen with your heart for what lies within.

There lies a melody locked deep inside of me, but now it's free.
It found a place embraced by harmony, sweet harmony.
Love more than anything teaches our hearts to sing.
Only love could break the shell.
Now I know very well, the love within myself.

Those are the lyrics to The Melody Within from the play Rigoletto. I promised in a recent post to hunt up the lyrics. But to no avail did I find them, so instead I sat down with a pen and paper and composed them myself.

I am getting so bad at posting. I even made the promise of getting better. I guess part of the reason is simply that my life just doesn't seem to all that exciting since I've come home. I know that I had some dedicated readers just because they liked they glimpse into a life of someone on the college program. They even linked my blog to The Disney Blog so other could read and follow. I love having dedicated readers. Thanks.

The truth is, that since I've come home, I've not done anything. I took the semester off from school. Classes just started up way too fast and they weren't classes that I needed. I just registered for them to take classes because I couldn't get into the one's I needed. Well, I was dealing with a ton of other stressful situations and didn't need the added stress of classes and potentially hurt my GPA by not being able to focus on the classes. I've not started back to work. I kept postponing it for one reason or another. But time has come to stop that. A great deal of my time and effort has been spent on trying to salvage, what I can, of my relationships with people, especially and mainly with Daniel.

Daniel and I went to Seven Springs Mountain Resort this past Saturday. For those of you who do not know what Seven Springs - what is wrong with you?!? lol It's a Mountain Resort here in south central Pennsylvania that's geared towards winter fun. It's great fun. www.7springs.com Daniel and I went up to go snow tubing. I've only ever been skiing once in my life and was on my ass most of time. But I plan on learning. Anyone wanna teach me?

Error

Ok. So I had written out a post. Wasn't a very long one but a good one. It was just one of those posts where you just don't have it in you to rewrite. And I'm not really in the mood to rewrite it out. But alas... It was written out and then this damned internet browser (FireFox) had an error and needed to close. I hadn't even touched anything. I was just typing along and minding my own business and wham--- it encounters a problem and needs to close. All unsaved work will be lost. Damn it. So there you have it.

Making like a Tomato

"There are many differences between a friend and a true friend and one of those differences is simply that a true friend offers their help before it's requested of them." ~Me

So it's been over a week since I last posted. A few things have happened but not much.

I decided not to postpone going to work at the job that I had arranged before coming home. I have chosen to try and go back to Eat'n Park. I went in and talked with Lori and of course I had to go back through the interview process, so she set me up with an interview with Adam who set me up an interview with Lori, lol. I guess it's just to make the main office happy that everything was done to procedure. So, my meeting with Lori is set. I just want to get started back to work. I lived my job at Eat'n Park and they loved me. I brought in customer's and made them happy so it only makes sense that I go back there.

My computer was giving me some major issues so Daniel came up and redone it for me. He reinstalled Windows XP and made it like new. Mom and I asked him to spend the night because it was late. He refused. Said he had homework to do and left for Joe's. (Having it and doing it are two completely different things.) Well the very next morning something went terribly wrong with my computer. My task bar was inoperable. The icon on my desktop that worked was MY COMPUTER. I was unable to download or upload anything. So I got on the phone with Daniel to request help and was yelled at profusely while he tried to help me. He had me delete some stuff and try some other stuff. Nothing was working and he was at Joe's getting drunk so he gave up. I stayed up all night to try and fix it. It was essential that it got fixed before the weekend was up, for some school stuff that I had to do. So during the night I did some research of my own and figured out what the problem was. (Go figure, the non-self proclaimed computer genius figured it out.) So I contacted Daniel to tell him that I couldn't fox my computer without the disc he used to redo it. And of course it led to him getting in fit as it usually does, lately, when I ask him for help. So flipped a gasket and came up to get my computer to take and fix it and left me his laptop. Of course within 20 minutes of him being here he flipped out on me about a password being his laptop - one that he put on there. So that leads to him trying to fight with me. I was starving so we went to Eat'n Park. He can be a really great guy, when he chooses to be. But with me he more often chooses to not be. When we arrive back at my house, mom asked him to spend the night due to it being late. He said that he couldn't because he had class the next day at 1 pm. She didn't see that as a problem since everyone on the house was all getting up by 8 am. But he refused and had to go home but instead went to Joe's and skipped class the next day. Lying to me (and now my mother) has become a pattern of his lately as well. I'm more upset with his rising tendency of skipping classes. I'm genuinely concerned about his future. Let's just say there are reasons without divulging his personal life that doesn't pertain directly to/with me. I just don't want him ruining his chances of transferring out of WCCC and into a University; his chances of a good future. But talking to him does no good. I've heard from three people close to him: Dan does what Dan wants. I must admit, I agree. So, yesterday I went down to pick up my computer. He knew I was coming and he still decided to be at Joe's anyway. And tried to tell me and Wayne that he didn't know I was coming. I told him the night before that it was a possibility because he said he was going to be home and I had text messaged him in the morning saying I was on my way and had spoken with Joe and Joe told him. So he knew. Anyway. He took me over to Joe's to pick up my computer where Joe talked to me but Daniel ignored me for the most part. As he did for the most part of the day, especially during the multiple times he was on the phone with Joe. I was dead tired from not having slept in 2 days and was afraid to drive home. He took a fit about it. But I spent the night. He lied directly to me a few more times before I went to bed. But I didn't say anything as not to cause any further of a ruckus. I wish he'd stop lying to me and treating me like I'm an idiot. After that we said our goodbyes in the morning as he was off to class and I was off home. Had a little trouble during the trip but not important.

He did invite me to go to Seven Springs with him this weekend to go tubing. I was ecstatic. I still am. It's been years since I've been there and it's been a long time since Daniel and I have done anything as friends. We have had a few days recently that didn't involve either of us being an ass to other (because I am not without my faults). I'm sure that this 7 Springs trip will be just as uneventful in the negative perspective. I hope so anyway. I want Daniel as a friend. I need him as a friend. My posts about him have changed dramatically from when I first started posting about him back in January of last year. But then, so has he. Though I complain a lot about him now, he still does have several great qualities, he just needs to express them to more people than himself and Joe. I don't understand their friendship - I've heard the things he's said about him. And if everything he says about him is true then he can't offer Daniel happiness... not the happiness that he deserves. So unless he starts hanging out with people that can, he may end up a lonely bitter old man. And that's not cool. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with him and nor do I hate him. I'm concerned for and hurt by him. I do not want any thinking that I hold any ill feelings toward Joe, either. I think he's a nice guy and I believe him to be completley inocent in all this. So unless there's an elaborate scheme... he's in no way a bad guy in any of this.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about Daniel but I just had to get it out. Nothing else has really happened. I got all my school stuff in order. They had messed up my billing and enrollment status for the fall semester of last year and this spring semester. I got my summer school stuff in order. I've just not been that busy with anything. I do need to start posting everyday, again. Oh, I did start to routinely work out first thing every morning and at night. So after my night work out and shower I'll post and go to bed. That will become the routine.

Home Sweet Home

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." -Judy Garland (The Wizard of Oz)

The first post I've posted, and the only post I've posted since I got home was that about Ashley. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I've not posted anything else as I am sure that others are wondering why Ashley got a dedication and no body else has. What is going on with Dustin is the question that you're asking yourself (otherwise you wouldn't be reading my journal). Well here's your answer.

The night of January 3rd I spent the night in a hotel room with Natalia and Melanie because my flight didn't leave til the 4th and neither did Natalia's train. We asked Melanie to hang with us.

So we got up on the 4th and had some breakfast at the resort as I awaited the arrival of Brent. Brent was going to hang with me and take me to the airport when needed. The four of us then went to Downtown Disney to do some shopping and hang out. Natalia was the first to leave. Saying goodbye to her was hard. Hard. Thankfully she lives in NJ so I can see her on a regular basis. Melanie left shortly there after. And there I was - the lone Ranger. Brent then drove me to Chatham so that I could pick up my certificate of completion. Then it was off to the airport. It took me nearly 2 hours to get completely checked in and through security. On my way to my gate I ran into Hope, from Food & Wine. Her gate was next to mine so we sat and talked for a bit and tried to hunt down some gum somewhere in the airport (but like everywhere else in FL - none). My flight was delayed by an hour. I boarded the plain and we took off about 730. I sat next to a woman named Shane, who does business in Clarion. Very intelligent and great person. My flight arrived in Pittsburgh at about 1000-1030. It was a hike to the baggage claim. Daniel was there - irritated. He refused to look at me and didn't have much to say to me that wasn't bitchy or complaining. So for about 45 minutes I stood there and listened to him - when he spoke - because that's how long it took for the luggage to start arriving. So we were off. At about midnight we stopped so I could get him gas. Then to Wendy's. He asked if I wanted anything I declined because I can't eat Wendy's. He ordered anyway and I paid. And there we have it, my homecoming - MY birthday.

On our way to my house I asked him to briefly stop at The East Brady Look-Out. It's a beautiful look-out that over looks the Allegheny River and miles of rolling hills, trees and fields. It's my favorite place on Earth - especially at night. He was grumpy which took away from it. But the place holds so much sentimental value to me. Does it hold any value to him... it may... in a way it should, for one specific reason. From there it's 5 miles to my house. I walked in the front door. I hadn't told anyone I was coming home - so it was a surprise.

My homecoming had not been what I had thought it would be - what I hoped it would be. My arrival wasn't met with a warm welcome and a hug. Instead it was welcomed with a sour bitter face. Even on my birthday he couldn't muster up a smile and try to be nice to me, knowing how I feel about birthday's. (We had been through it the year before when I received nothing - not a gift, not a card. Instead I bought us dinner and a movie.) He told me that he doesn't consider birthday's to be that important or all that special, yet he's angry with me because I didn't come home for his birthday (he knew I couldn't). Well he ruined two of mine.

The Saturday after my arrival home my family was finally able to celebrate Christmas and open the presents that had been under the tree taunting them for weeks. Shawna had been invited. She's usually invited to a lot of the family events because over the course of our nearly 10 year friendship she's become part of the family. Daniel was also invited because he is/was/is part of the family. Daniel and Shawna aren't to find of each other. I try to stay out of it, but it's hard since I'm in the middle. However Shawna was on her best behavior and sucked it up so that my family could have a good holiday. Daniel, however, pouted and decided to become a recluse. Thus I spent most of my holiday in my bedroom with him trying to get him to come downstairs. Thus a holiday slightly ruined, because he went into his selfish and ungrateful mode.

Since then I've spent a lot of my time here at home. Not feeling the energy to become involved in anything that requires a commitment. So I've not year started back to work. I withdrew from my classes for the semester. I've not really made plans with any one. Not posting in my journal. I'm in a funk. I feel depressed. I'm sure it has something to do with the lack of sunlight (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Just as I'm sure it has to do with everything that's been going on since I got home. So much has happened and so much is going on. Stuff with me, my family, my mother, Shawna, friends... Daniel. I can feel myself slipping further into a state of depression. Do I miss FL? No. Do I miss the people? A lot of them. What I do miss is the happiness I had before I left... my old life. I made a huge mistake and now I'm paying the price as my life seems to be crashing down around me. I feel sick.

Ashley's Post

This post is entirely dedicated to someone. Someone special. Someone I had the great pleasure of meeting this past summer while on my internship in Disney World. A fellow Ranger and a great friend Ashley Rush. This is for you Ash, just like I promised.

"Forming characters! Whose? Our own or others? Both. And in that momentous fact lies the peril and responsibility of our existence." ~Elihu Burritt

I choose that quote because for several reasons. One because it just sounds like something Ashley would say. Two because I believe it is an honest statement.

Anyone who has had the opportunity to meet Ashley, and actually took the time to seriously get to know her, would be able to tell you almost the same things that I have to say about her and her character.

Ashley is a person who has forged her own character instead of letting other people do it for her. She makes no excuses nor offers any apologies for who she is, which I find to be admirable. When developing into the person she was when we met she jumped on no bandwagons. Instead she took the paths of uniqueness and individuality. She takes pride in her individualism, as she should.

I say "the person she was when we met" for a particular reason. The time we have all spent in Florida have changed us all in numerous ways. Some for the good, some for the bad, some both ways. Some changes are small, while others big, with some being semi-permanent while others lasting a life time. Ashley, being human (though she may not want to admit it), like the rest of us did some changing of her own. Though her changes may be subtle and some of them still unknown to even her, they didn't change her core being and that's what counts. She grew as an individual and as human being. She became a better person, which is all anyone could hope for and should strive for.

Ashley may or may not be aware of the impact that she has on people but it doesn't change the fact that she does impact the life anyone who takes the time to become a true friend of hers. She has lessons to be learned and gifts to give. Her friendship in itself is a true gift and blessing. The lessons learned from Ashley depend entirely upon the person and what they need to learn and what they're willing to learn, if they're open to change and progress. She could teach you about honesty, loyalty, compassion, friendship and not to mention coffee. She could teach you about trust, faith and integrity. Those are some of the things that I have learned and taken away from our friendship. The best part is that she doesn't even realize that she's capable of teaching such life lessons and that's what makes it a sincere friendship and learning. She didn't try to change you, it just happened. Anyone who has met her and can't think of one positive thing that she has taught them has obviously not taken the time to befriend her.

I am much obliged that I had the opportunity to meet Ashley and even more honored that I had the chance to befriend her. My time spent in Florida would not have been as much of a learning and growing experience, as it was, without her. Thank you, Ashely for all you've done. I wish you nothing but the best in life and the best of luck in all you do.

I hope you concur, Pumpkin head.

Jet Plane

I'm ... I'm ...All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go I'm standin' here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn Already I'm so lonesome I could die So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane I don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go I'm ...There's so many times I've let you down So many times I've played around I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing Every place I go, I think of you Every song I sing, I sing for you When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane I don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go Now the time has come to leave you One more time, oh, let me kiss you And close your eyes and I'll be on my way Dream about the days to come When I won't have to leave alone About the times that I won't have to say ...Oh, kiss me and smile for me Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never let me go 'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane I don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go And I'm leaving on a jet planeI don't know when I'll be back again Oh, babe, I hate to go But I'm leaving on a jet plane (Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah)Leaving on a jet plane(Ah ah ah ah) (Leaving) On a jet plane

Happy New Year

"...in our desperate search to find the things we most covet, we over look the object of our desires because we are blinded by our expectations and our beliefs." ~Me

Here it is, January 1st, 2005.

What a crazy year I had in 2004. My life took me places I never dreamed of going. The year was full of it's drama filled and drama free times. If you followed my journal then you have a good account of the past year for me.

January:
*I turned 22.
*I caused a 3 car accident.
*Second semester at IUP.
*Fell passionately in love.

February:
*emotional roller coaster ride
*Daniel & I got stuck in the middle of no where in a snow storm.
*I saw Janet Jackson's breast.
*Jess & Mike move in... and out... and in... and out
*"The Passion of the Christ"

March
*Shawna was in a car accident.
*Shawna & had our huge fall out.
*Jess & Mike finally move out.
*LOTR 3 sweeps the Oscars.
*Mom broke her leg.
*My first toothache.
*My car broke.
*I became seriously ill.

April:
*"...My hands in fists placed upon my sides slightly above my hips. My lower lip drew back just behind my upper teeth with my tongue held back as to not interfere with the constant stream of the ominous beginning sounds of the letter "V" coming from the vibrations produced from the rush of air being forced out. I slowly pulsate my arms imitating the flapping of wings as I start to aimlessly meander around the room. Voila! I have transformed into a fly."
*I go on a "friend strike".
*Dustin went to classes in drag for the fashion show.
*I got an internship at Disney World.
*Jess & Mike move back in.
*"Donnie Darko" entered my life

May:
* Spring semester ends with a 3.5
*I realize the importance of choice.
*I start adding quotes to my journal.
*Said painful goodbyes.
*I left for FL.
*I started my Disney internship.
*PI for the first time.
*First time living with a roommate.

June:
*a second emotional roller coaster ride
*Rachel Hovic becomes an important friend.
*A little reunion with some extended family.
*Universal Studios for the first time.
*Hung out with Renee (a guest)
*My first real from the real sun tan apexed.
*I fell in love with Norway.

July:
*Disney starts to lose it magic for me.
*Rachel loses points.

August:
*Bradd moves out.
*Jonathan moves in.
*Highspeed comes to Chatham.
*I don't post for a month.
*More rough goodbyes.
*Spring Advantage Rangers leave for home.
*Hurricane Charley hits Disney.
*Daniel, Mom and Ryan visit me.

September:
*Disney regains it magic.
*Hurricane Francis hits Disney
*Hurricane Ivan floods PA
*Hurricane Jeanne hits Disney
*My journal loses it's importance.
*Embrey self termed.
*AJ self termed.
*Sarah (non Ranger) self termed.
*Daniel (roommate) self termed.
*Sarah (Ranger) and I had our falling out.
*I get a Norwegian stalker.

October:
*"The Hulk" breaks down leaving me hanging upside down.
*Rachel Hovic hits rock bottom in the friendship well with me.
*My journal becomes popular reading material.
*Jeremy self termed.
*Danny self termed.
*I decided to self term.
*A new roomie was assigned... then reassigned within an hour.
*I wanted to end my relationship.
*I miss Daniel's Birthday.
*I miss Shawna's birthday.
*Dustin does drag for Halloween.
*6 other Rangers self term.

November:
*"The Incredibles" w/ Natalia, Eric L., and Allison
*My voice is gone... like 100% no voice.
*My mouth swelled.
*My throat swelled.
*Dev, Sarah & Jenn took me to the hospital.
*Being away from home finally breaks me.
*I miss my one year anniversary.
*I miss Thanksgiving.
*I had an office meltdown.
*I got a Brazilian roommate.
*More Rangers self termed.

December:
*Josh self termed.
*Grace self termed.
*My relationship ends.
*Choices become a huge issue once again.
*I miss Christmas.
*I purchase my plane ticket home.
*A fabulous New Years at EPCOT.

Through out 2004 I have become a different person, not better or worse, just different. I have learned new lessons and forgotten old ones. I have achieved some goals, dashed others and created new ones. I lost friends, kept friends and made new ones. With 2005 now in progress it's only my hope that I am able to progress further as a person and as an individual. To become a better person than I am now. This past year I was given the chance to meet people from all walks of life and I now know more of what I must do to make myself better. I need to regain faith in and compassion for the human race. I need to work on my issues with trust. My resolution this year is to right all my wrongs.