You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. -Eleanor Roosevelt

It's been a little while since I last posted. I do apologize. I am trying to get better with it. I was doing well there for a little while. I'll start again - I promise.

So last night I went to Mickey's Not-SO-Scary Halloween Party with Jennifer, Natalia, Rachael Shonk, and Alisha. It was so cute. I enjoyed myself. The parade had to have been one of the best parades I've ever seen. It was so cute. The beginning of it started out strong and then it went kind of weak, but in general it was good. The trick-or-treating was a good time as was the no wait times for any of the rides. The fireworks were crazy. They were never ending and all over the place. I've never seen such a thing. Kinda frightened us a little. In general we had a good time. The only downer of the night was Alisha. She always had some little comment to make. He we were trying to be nice to her (again) after she had done and said horrible things and she goes and tries to ruin a good night. Well I refused to let her. I had a good time as did everyone else.

Today Stewart, Jennifer, Natalia and myself had made plans to go character hunting. In all the time that we have been here we hadn't gotten any pictures with any of the characters, so we decided to get some today. It was a good time. We got almost every character that EPCOT has to offer. We hoped on the monorail to head over to the Magic Kingdom. We got the seats in the front of the monorail. That was the first time I had done that. It was enjoyable. After we got to the ticket and transportation center we were reminded (by Eric, a Ranger we happened across) that MK was closing due to M's N-S-S Party. So we hoped back on the monorail and headed back to EPCOT. After hanging out in the Disney Learning Center we headed to Chili's with Bob (from deployment). Bob let us in on some office gossip as we let him in on some Ranger gossip. It was all in good taste. =0) After which we headed back to Jenn's to watch the video she has been making. Now here I sit.

I took plenty of pictures. Keep an eye out for them on my site. I'm always adding new pictures. If you don't know the address you can either go to http://geocities.com/elfen_warrior or go to http://photos.yahoo.com/elfen_warrior and I trust and hope that you don't instruction after that.

We have had many Rangers decided to leave this past week or so. Six in total have either left or put in their notice of departure. As I reflect upon all the goodbyes that have been said and the ones yet to come I realized that it's getting slightly easier to say it. Yet at the same time it's getting harder because the people leaving are getting closer but due to the amount of goodbyes being said it's almost like a routine... so... yeah. I missed Jeremy's going away festivities. I was/am saddened by this. He will be missed. What few good Rangers we have left need to stay because we are each others main support systems. We have such little time left. It'll all be ending soon.

Barenaked Ladies

Nothing will sustain you more potently than the power to recognize in your humdrum routine, as perhaps it may be thought, the true poetry of life. -Sir William Osler

"It's been one week since you looked at me..." Wow - has it really been a week since I've last posted. Where did the time go?

The past week has gone much like most of my time. Work, work, work and then a moment to myself. Not that I minded being busy because it helped keep my mind off of home and issues of home. Talking to people here - or anyone for that matter - just doesn't feel right. It doesn't seem that could/would understand. I don't see how. My situation so unique. The only advice anyone could possibly give me is based off of the "I can only imagine factor". Not that they don't have their issues back home and not that they couldn't understand my wanting to leave but they couldn't fully understand the situation and my feelings.

I would love to return to Disney World but would also love to just stay at home. Again, I'm lost. Lost - it's just the only word I can think of to use to describe how I feel. Lost in my mind. Lost in my emotions. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in my fears. Lost in my hopes. Not having Shawna with me in FL has been rough. Not talking to her on a regular basis has been even harder. There have been times that I truly needed a best friend and her off on her own "adventures" in OH. With the both of us being so busy it just made it impossible to be able to keep in touch as well as we would have liked. The past week or two though it's come up a notch or two. I think once I'm able to fully talk freely about everything, to someone who can make a better assessment based on their knowledge of myself and situation, then my decision to stay, to go, to return... would be much easier to make. Talking and hanging out with Casey has been slightly therapeutic for me. I've opened up to him. He just made it so easy or was it that I am feeling so lonely and distressed that the company of pleasant person just crumbled my walls? I've said before that I think one of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness when you surrounded by thousands of people. It's one thing when you're truly alone but another when you're far from it. Not be able to feel a connection with one person.

It makes me think that something is wrong - with me. People usually seem to love me for a while but always seem to drift away. Or is it me who drifts? I can see myself pushing people away. With my internal far of being hurt, again, by close friends, I am perfectly capable of self-destructing in my relationships with people.

...I need sleep and mental relaxation.

ugh...

Man has been endowed with reason, with the power to create, so that he can add to what he's been given.- Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

OMG!! I had typed out the best blog yet. It was good. Nice and deep and emotional. Revealing to the soul and the next thing I know - GONE. Damn it. You can't retype that kind of stuff. The length alone is enough to make me weep but the emotion behind it. I am too tired to deal with it tonight. I'll post on it and sum it up in tomorrows post.

Only Time

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but rather we have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. -Aristotle

So today was a less eventful day than yesterday. I woke up around 10 am and thought I would just go ahead and head out by the pool but then I heard it - rain. So I got up and grabbed a shower. I wasn't sure what time Jeremy & Jenn wanted to do dinner. But then I remembered plans with Casey. So Casey and I went to the Food & Wine Festival at EPCOT. I got some wine and escargot at France. He grabbed some wine from France, some Baklava at Greece and a crab cake at America. We then headed to Wolf Gang Puck's in Downtown Disney but instead ended up at McDonald's. Everyone knows how much I enjoy me some McDonalds. We then headed over to AMC and saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (or whatever it is, lol). An interesting movie. I think I liked it. I then came home and now here I am.

As the days progress I'm less and less motivated to go home. Don't get me wrong, I still would love to go home. But then days like today happen - a good day - and I can't help but want to stay. My plan is still at this point to go home on the 19th, though. Would my people back home forgive me if I didn't come home? Would the people here forgive me if I did go home? I don't want to lose friends from either side and I fear I may based on the decision I make. Time will tell.


Sing it Enya:

Who can say where the road goes,Where the day flows? Only time... And who can say if your love grows,As your heart chose? Only time... Who can say why your heart sighs,As your love flies? Only time... And who can say why your heart cries,When your love dies? Only time... Who can say when the roads meet,That love might be,In your heart. And who can say when the day sleeps,The moon still keeps on moving the night keeps all your heart? Night keeps all your heart... Who can say if your love grows,As your heart chose? Only time...And who can say where the road goes,Where the day flows? Only time...Who knows? Only time...Who knows? Only time...

Wanted: Whoville

The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress. -Joseph Jouber

Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend
Suspect I may, but not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out. -William Shakespeare

I woke up today kind of early in order to get to the grocery store. I had planned on making dinner for Jeremy and Jenn and I needed some stuff. Well I had heard that Natalia had off so I called her and asked her if she'd like to join. Well she ended up taking me to Publix, where I did my shopping. Fun times with Natalia. I love her. When I got home I called Jeremy and Jenn to make sure we were still on and it was confirmed. I needed to do laundry and clean up around my apartment because our inspection is coming up. In the process I redecorated my bedroom and straightened it up. My room is in good shape now. I still have laundry to do. Ugh... Well it ended up that Jeremy and Jenn did not come over tonight for dinner. We're set for tomorrow and hopefully it goes on, or I'm gonna have to make the Chicken Marsala for someone else. So I hung out with my friend Joel instead. That was my day.

I did however have the chance today to chat with Shawna. WOW! How long it's been. I miss her so much. Hopefully her and I get more chances more regularly to talk now that she's back in PA and not in OH. Her and I have so much talking and catching up to do. We both could use a Whoville night. For those of you that don't know - her and I have our own special little place that we like to go and sit, that we call Whoville, because it looks like a scene from "The Grinch." I miss our talks. I miss our bonding. I miss everything about us. I've not brought her up nor talked about her in my journal in a while. But I assure you that she has not dwindled nor has she been replaced. She's still one of the two most important women in my life. There are a few things that I still like to keep private. I bring everything up and mention everything it's just that some stuff is more of a beating around the bush instead of a direct hit in order for me to maintain a level of privacy. Being away from her and not being able to talk her as much as I would like is another reason why being here is so hard for me. I don't really have that person that I trust with all of me. So I don't open up and bottle things which causes more stress. Oh I miss her and Danny (her husband).

My post wasn't very long today. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess not to much drama in my life at the moment. But there is one thing that I don't think I mentioned before. The other day one of the Rangers was terminated. His whole apartment was terminated due to drug residue and remnants in the apartment. One-by-one we dwindle. How many will remain by the end of December?

And It's Saturday

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. -Sir James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -Groucho Marx(1890-1977)

Well let me discuss the big topic and answer the big question that everyone would like to know. Where in the world is Dustin? I am currently residing in... da da da... Orlando. I indeed did not go home on Thursday night as I was planning. I had missed the flight. I almost no effort to make it there on time. I can't leave. I have responsibilities and obligations here that I must take care of and fulfill. I signed a contract stating that I will be here until January 3rd. Then there's my friends here. I know some of them are leaving but not all of them are. With Jeremy self terminating it's going to be rough for Jenn. I'm not meaning to sound all super important but she's going to need a good friend and I can't walk out on her. The other Rangers have their own "others" that they will be spending the grandeur of their time with where as I don't. My other is at home in PA, waiting patiently for me to return. Jenn is one of the most important people to me and I want to be here for her. Hopefully I will be able to help her make through until January. I'm going to miss Jeremy. It is going to be very weird without him here. His absence will be noticed more than any other.

Other reasons for me staying are this: 1.) it's too late to enroll in school for the semester, so I'll be going home to a ton of spare time. 2.) While this may not be a huge source of income it still at least an income, where as if I'd go home I would have none. I refuse to live off of my family and this boy has bills. Lots of 'em. 3.) I've not yet made a decision that I regret and I don't feel like starting now. I can't make a rash decision, I need to think it out clearly and fully. 4.) If I had went home this weekend and decided to not stay at home then the likelihood that I would be able to return later this month for Daniel's birthday would be grim.

I feel badly though because in some ways I feel like I'm walking out on everyone back home. Daniel says I need to come. He was very angry when I decided to not come and it started a huge fight. I feel it very selfish of him to be angry with me, yet he has a right to be slightly upset. In a way my decision to stay has selfish qualities but this would be one of the few if not the only selfish decision I've made. People who know me can tell you that I usually buckle under the pressure of trying to make everyone else happy. Oh the decisions to make.

So Thursday I was given a break from strollers and was sent to Electric Umbrella (EU) where I was placed on the counter with Ranger Racheal Dick. On my way to EU I ran into Troy and I informed him of my intentions of going home. I could tell that he was hurt that he wasn't informed but to be fair I didn't tell anyone. I just posted my thoughts about it in here and who ever read about it knew. Jenn was one of the last to find out - which I feel horrible for. I wish I would have been able to tell her myself. So when I actually make a full decision I'm going to keep it to myself until I can tell the important people. Troy gave me reassurance that I would make the right decision because he knew that I would think it out clearly. When people say that it then puts so much pressure on you to make the right decision. He'll be pleasantly surprised to see me on Tuesday. I then went out with the Rangers to PI. Sarah text Rachel Hovik to ask her if she was self-terminating and she said no. We all had a great night and had tons of fun.

Friday I didn't do much of anything. I got home from the prior night at about 2:00 in the afternoon and then just relaxed around the house and took it easy. I wasn't feeling well. I was also given word that Rachel Hovik did indeed self terminate on Friday. She saw Natalia and told her she was on her way home. What a liar. So she either lied to Natalia or Sarah. Which will it be? Tuesday will tell.

Today I went to bed super late/early this morning, 930 am. I couldn't sleep. I so wasn't tired. I slept for about 2-3 hours and then lied there for 1-2 more before getting up and getting shower. I needed to catch the bus and head to Wal*Mart to do some grocery shopping. I planned on making dinner for Jeremy & Jenn tomorrow so I called them to find out if we were on for tomorrow when they said they were on their way to the mall. So instead of going grocery shopping I hung out with them at the mall all day. We then went out to eat at UNO. Good food. Great service. We had the best server - Danny (aka Bob) hehe. He was fabulous. I will definitely return there to eat and hopefully he's working so we can have great service again and again. We got a picture with him. hehe I'm such a picture whore. Jenn - thanks for dinner and thank both you and Jeremy for such a great day and evening. I love you both.

Decisions...

"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything: "I will try" has accomplished wonders. -George P. Burnham

Yesterday I was deployed to strollers again. Strollers drives me nuts but at least the day goes by faster. When I got home yesterday I discovered that a new roommate would be moving either yesterday or today. I straightened up my room and my bathroom since he would be moving into them. Well, he never showed yesterday. I spoke with Daniel again. I needed to do some serious thinking so I had decided to stay in. After I had posted on Monday my mother gave me a call. I talked with her a bit. She has some concerns about my staying here as well and she voiced them.

This morning I woke feeling anew and fresh. I get into work and was deployed to strollers, again. That's the fourth day in a row. I'm kind of annoyed. Not much of a Ranger, anymore. They always seem to get in a rut with me. Once I get sent somewhere then it becomes an extended period of time. It just adds to the many things on my mind. The day went by as it usually does there - quick at first then slower towards the end of the shift. On my way home I ran into a few people and told them of my thoughts on going home. I then came home to discover the new roommate had moved in. Well he was moved back within the hour. On top of everything else and having to live with one stupid roomie I will not put up with living with a homophobic, prejudiced, people hating dumbass. I don't need that kind of stress or anguish. After a lot of snide comments made by him I had decided "not going to happen" and made the call. So it's back to my self in my own bedroom.

I sometimes miss the company of a roommate. Daniel and I had a good bond. He was a decent roommate. I miss the late night pillow talk - talking about the day and complaining about the other roommates, hehe. It just adds to the loneliness that I sometimes feel here. I hate feeling lonely when you're surrounded by thousands of people. I had that empty feeling when I was in the military. It's a horrible feeling.

Well after the incident Jonathan and I went to EPCOT so he could return a shirt and do a little shopping. I ran into a few more people - a few Rangers - and told them of my plans of going home tomorrow night. Everyone that I've told for the past few days were all about calling me and talking about it that evening. Doing something before I left. No one called. Not any of the past days and not today. They have their lives to live. It just may not include me after tomorrow. The lack of talking and emotion being shown also needs to be taken into consideration when making my final decision. My flight is set to leave tomorrow night at 11 so I have a little under 20 hours to make a decision. Why is it that no one made such an ordeal about my leaving as they did with the old Rangers?... Embrey?... as they plan to for Jeremy? Hmm... Just a thought. Would I be missed if I didn't return? Jonathan has voiced his feelings on wanting me to stay. Sarah has expressed that she wanted me to stay and we briefly talked about a few of the reasons before she had to get off the phone. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.

I want to stay but I need to go home. I told Daniel and my mother that if they needed me to come just say so - they said so. A promise is a promise. I have to go home, don't I? I am so confused and lost. I'm not a quitter so I don't want to leave. There are just so many things making it hard to stay. More things making it hard to stay than to leave. My mother needs me and it's my belief that she needs me more than she's letting on. A dear friend of the family's died suddenly (on Sunday) and she's taking it kind of rough on the internally. Mainly because of her own deteriorating health. The doctor has placed her on a new diet and exercise program. That's about all they can do besides some experimental surgery. She doesn't want that. To her the severe pain has become part of everyday life. Not being able to sit up is now a routine thing. Not being able to "mother" her children in the ways she would like is the most devastating thing. I must admit that I miss it myself. My mother has been the only constant person in my life. She has been the one person I could always count on being there. The only parent I've ever had. The thought of losing her is more terrifying me than anything else. Seeing her like this - knowing that she is in so much pain kills me. I almost lost her once and I was so devastated the entire week she was on life support, that my life literally stopped. Everyday and every night my dreams are filled with the wishing that she would/could get better. I just want my mom back. The way she used to be. I have never been able to dream the dreams that a normal child would dream and now my dreams continue to be for other people. I never get the chance to be selfish with anything. Things for me are never about me...

I feel so confused... lost... stunned... hurt... empty... sad... powerless... just plain overwhelmed.

Sum it up for me Nelly:

Paint my face in your magazines
Make it look whiter than it seems
Paint me over with your dreams
Shove away my ethnicity
Burn every notion that I may have a flame inside to fight
And say just what is on my mind
Without offending your might

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want

Weatherworn, looking all the rage
They took her passion and her gaze and made a poster
Now it’s moccasins we sport
We take the culture and contort
Perhaps only to distort what we are hiding

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
But say what you want
Say what you want

Hey you, the one, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don’t fit in, how ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside, are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Yeah, this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do

Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless, what are you gonna do
Say what you want, say what you want, say, say, say
Cuz this life is too short, just for you

I'm In Trouble Deep

Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight. -Helen Keller

Our greatest happiness in life does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits. -Thomas Jefferson

On Saturday I was deployed to Liberty Inn. I generally don't mind working there but it has one of the two managers that I can't stand and he was working. He drives me nuts but the day went quickly and I was home before I knew it. I'm not entirely sure what I did that night...

Yesterday I was deployed to strollers, which I hate. Then the manager that was there became the third manager that I can't stand. She's got to be the worst manager I have ever worked under here at Disney. The other two here just asses but she's an ass and stupid. It was a very rough 8 hours. At the end of the day I needed some friendship and companionship so I went out with Casey.

Now this is where the trouble comes in. He and I went to Dowtown Disney and hung out at the Virgin MegaRecord Store's cafe. We chilled and chatted over cappuchino before heading over to the movie theatre to see "The Forgotten" (review later). After the movie we came back to my place and continued our good night. Well, things went a little to far in both aspects physical and emotional. I am so confused right now. So confused. This program is already hard enough for me but now this. I don't know if I can deal with this added stress.

I talked to Daniel about everything tonight. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. My entire world is becoming a blur that is whizzing by and I have no control. Daniel told me that I needed to go home. I told him before I came down that if he ever said that then I would be home instantly. He's right, I need to go home. I need to. But things aren't that simple anymore. There are other things, other people, other emotions involved now. There's a new world involved and I have no idea what to do. I have two separately worlds/lives that need me... require me and that I want to be a part of. I have no idea what to do. My home life is more important to me than anything else especially my relationship. I need someway to combine the two. I need somehow. I think I'm going home on Thursday.

As for the movie ~ It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. Although I feel it was missing something. I don't quite know what it was. It just felt like it missing something or maybe I missed it. The ending ended up not being a huge surprise but what can you expect from movies these days.

The Truth Revealed

Many men owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties. - Spurgeon

Ok I have a few things to discuss in this post.

The first being that I spent the morning with Rune at Universal Studios. It's the first time that I braved actually spending time alone with him (this trip) - as in without Anita and Cissi being there. I had tried to avoid it as much as I could because I don't want him to get any false impressions about where our friendship stands. He came here a month ago on vacation from Norway and that's when he met me and since then has taken two more vacations here to see me. I'm flattered that he thinks I'm worth all the effort and trouble but sorry - nothing is going to happen. The first and most important reason being that I have someone very special waiting for me back home. Well Rune is leaving on Monday so two more days to do some avoiding. I would just rather not have to get all nasty and mean about it.

~Anyway~ While at Universal Studios we of course had to ride The Hulk but while on it, the ride decides to have technical difficulties and we got stuck - upside down. I am excited about Halloween Horror Nights. The Rangers have decided to gather up a group of us and go. That and of course our every so popular Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party. Both started to night. The Food and Wine Festival at EPCOT also kicked into gear today. Hopefully the parks pick back up so us Rangers have something to do.

The second thing I'd like to mention is this: When I got home from Universal I jumped online quick to check my email. While online I get an instant message from a perfect stranger. He has been reading my journal for the past few months. My blog has been directly linked from the The Disney Blog and he has been reading it since July. It fascinated me that I had a fan. I just may have a bigger fan base than I thought. =P Too bad my sitemeter is broke or I could see how big. hehe Makes me happy to know that I am intriguing enough to follow. Read on peeps... read on. hehe

Ok here's the big one. Where I have decided to just let it all out and post my complete true feelings about someone. So right before I put up an away message and head over to hang out with the Rangers a window pops up. I got an instant message. Oh my - it's from Rachel. Wait one minute. She called me a fagot... I know, it's spelled wrong. She misspelled it several times. Sad really. If you're going to insult someone at least do it correctly. So she proceeded to flip out on me about something that I posted in my journal. The funny thing is this: the entry she was mad about never mentioned her name - so obviously the entry must have described her well enough for her to know it was her, so there must have been truth to it - yet she said it was all lies. Sad really. I mean when someone lies so much that they can't keep them straight. Oh... and when they can admit that growing up people didn't believe anything they said because they lied so much. She told me this when we first got here (tho I'm sure she would deny it) when our friendship was on the rise. Since then I have come to see that somethings never change. I can't say for sure what exactly happened with our friendship other than that one day I realized that she annoyed the hell out of me. I must say that I believe that she has one of the most annoying personalities I've come across. She bitched that I bragged about me in my journal. Uhmm - it is my journal - where I am the main focal point. And anyone who has read any post could say that I most certainly don't talk about how wonderful I am. I think she just creates the most useless drama up in her head and then tries to execute it out in the real world. In my opinion (which may or may not be the common consensus) is that she is the epicenter of almost all of the drama that goes on between the Rangers. She had told me that she was planning on leaving on October 10th but she denies stating this, yet I heard from three other people that she was planning on leaving on either the 9th or 10th. After her sisters vacation; so she could use her ID to get into the parks for free. I couldn't care less one way or the other. If she leaves then I won't ever have to deal with her whining again. If she doesn't leave then I could fun with annoying the hell out of her. Either way, it's fun for me. I must say though, if I were her I would leave. In my opinion she doesn't do anything anyway. I believe she was one of the worst Rangers and needed to be pulled from Ranger rotation and that would be why she got the OZ position and wasn't recommended for the Advanced Internship. I've never heard a location say how much they enjoy having her there and request her. Either decision you make, Rachel, I support you.

I didn't have all night to argue over AIM (because she didn't have the balls to do it face to face) and I had better things to do. So I ended the immaturity and went to the Ranger gathering. Jeremy cooked dinner for everyone. Jeremy rocks. I enjoy him and Jenn. I think now that I am getting back into my baking mode I'm going to start baking for the Rangers. Natalia has already placed an order for a birthday cake. I enjoy being appreciated both as a person and as a friend. To those who know what the true meaning of friendship is - I Love You guys and that goes for my back home friends as well.